fragments of my life [MERDER]

TWO

Meredith couldn't sleep without Derek next to her. She was a kid with abandonment issues, he knew that, and he had abandoned her. It had been three years, three years of stability, constantly waking up next to the love of her life, her husband; she couldn't sleep without him, it just felt wrong. Realising fairly quickly that she would not be getting any sleep that night, she instead did the next best thing she could think of, and went into work, because at least there she could make herself useful.

As Meredith arrived into the ER, it was absolute carnage. The lower year residents were pretty useless, mostly everyone knew it, and it was painfully obvious that someone needed to take charge of the mess they'd been causing unsupervised. She groaned, changing quickly before she jumped into action and sorted things out herself, doing a couple of consults and catching up on the piles of paperwork that had been neglected. Meredith caught a glimpse of April in the pit, asking to speak to her chief resident in her 'office'.

"April, can I ask you a favour?" Meredith asked as she stepped to the room that April had been designated.

"What is it Mer? Is it about Zola?" She said. Meredith swallowed hard to avoid letting tears slip from her as soon as she heard her name. Zola. Her little girl.

"No... no, it's not Zola. I'd like you to put me on nights for the... the rest of the week? I'll do day shifts too... I just can't be at home... not with Derek this mad at me."

"Sure, I guess... just be careful, don't burn yourself out. And please let me know if you hear anything about Zola."

April wanted to declare trauma, so she basically lived in the hospital's ER. So it goes without saying that she knew all too well the mess the ER got without a qualified presence in charge, so Meredith guessed her offer of a favour helped April out too, which is why she must have been so willing and eager to grant Meredith's wish.

"Thanks April. I will." She replied, the ends of her lips forming a small smile. Meredith was left longing to get back to the pit, wanting to just get back to work, just so she preoccupy herself and forget how mad Derek was at her; how badly she'd screwed up things between them.

Dr. Bailey was still extremely enraged at her, so that meant basically no general surgeries. There was absolutely zero chance she'd ever go into an OR with Derek again with the state they were in, so Meredith would have to satisfy her overwhelming need to cut in the pit. There was no chance she would able to talk her way onto a surgery with Bailey and Derek teaming up to effectively ban her from the OR. That was all she could do. Work, work to forget, and work some more. It wasn't exactly a bad thing with their boards fast approaching; she was getting valuable experience is what she kept telling herself.

A good twenty-seven hours later, and she still hadn't seen Derek. She hadn't slept, not even dosed off behind the nurses desk. She'd barely moved from the pit at all except to go to the bathroom once, and grab a coffee about ten hours ago, and yet, still no sight of Derek coming down to the ER, not even for a consult.

Maybe Derek had called in sick? He just hadn't come in that day, because believing that was better than believing that he actively avoiding her, actively choosing speaking to his wife. She knew that what she did was going to hurt him, but she never meant for him to find out. She never meant for any of this to happen with Zola. He acted like she'd ruined his life, and he was allowed to blame her to a point but she hoped he didn't stay mad at her for too long. 

He is still Derek, after all; he is still her husband, and Meredith still can't sleep without him.

She saw Mark finish up a consult in the ER, and he locked eyes with hers, pulling her over to a corner.

"Big Grey, when was the last time you slept?" His question caught Meredith off guard. She assumed it would be more like, 'how could you do that to Derek, your husband?'