fragments of my life [MERDER]

THIRTY-TWO

The two sat on the balcony for a little while longer, a mixture of leaves crunching, birds pecking and Ava's little giggles filling the quiet void. Somehow, Ava waking up had not woken one of her siblings and the two sleep-deprived parents were blessed with an extra couple of quiet hours. Meredith leaned against the wooden deck as she cradled Ava in her arms, looking between the acres of land they owned and her daughter's features and eyes in attempt to lose herself and separate herself from her thoughts. As the attempt failed, she found her breathing become erratic, and before she knew it, she found herself calmly handing Ava off to Derek and making a beeline for the bedroom, trying with everything she could gather not to make a scene.

Derek realised that something was up and rocked a gurgling Ava back and forth as he followed behind Meredith to the bedroom, where he heard the door slam shut and then hushed cries come from behind the door. Concerned, Derek gingerly pressed open the door to find Meredith bundled up against the wall, her head covered by her hands as it lay in between her legs.

Her crying both frightened and confused Derek. He knew it was bad, but he never truly realised that it was hysterical crying bad. His heart was pounding, sending little stabbing pains of ache through his chest as he put himself in Meredith's shoes, trying to feel what she felt. Like being out of the loop with her true feelings, Derek's heart physically aching wasn't something he was used to either; or maybe he was, but his mind would never let him acknowledge it was happening until after it passed.

He had no idea how she did it, carrying so much grief and guilt around, so much physical pain weighing her down every day, and yet she still found it within her to shelter their children from that, to be a perfect, loving mother, the opposite of hers.

Meredith finally turned to look at him, and the complete sadness reflecting back at Derek made his breath hitch. His mind was in such a state of shock that he couldn't question her or speak to comfort her; at the same time, he didn't have to. Both took that moment of dejection and heartbreak to realise the same thing; like they were, nothing was going to be okay. It upset Derek much more than he would ever let anyone know, except maybe his wife, but she had slowly been unravelling throughout the duration of the week and a half since Noah had returned to them, and yet a part of him didn't want to feel it. He noticed that Meredith as he knew it was crumbling before him but somehow keeping it together for the sake of their children, but he had no idea what to say or do about it, to comfort or reassure her, because at least to him, he was feeling the same, if not worse, about the situation. It had only been at that point, a week and a half later, when he had realised the true extent of what Meredith had somehow been carrying around with her since Noah's kidnapping. As Derek sat there, watching the tears slide down her cheeks, he was consumed with the overwhelming need to make everything better, in an instant; as much as he knew that wasn't possible in this situation, he knew he needed to try. Whenever anybody at work, Cristina, Lexie, or Jade, tried to comfort Meredith, their need was driven by empathy and concern. Derek's was driven by some form of guilt, his own heartache, but most of all and almost overwhelmingly, love.

"I'm okay... I'm just... I'm worried about us." Meredith finally broke the silence, snivelling and wiping under her eyes with the corner of her jumper. She laid against the wall of their room; her head buried deep into Derek's shoulder. Her voice had regained some confidence, but it was an act, one she had nearly perfected over the years, thanks to her mother. An act that worked for almost everyone she knew, with the exception being the very person she was trying to lie to.

"First of all, you're clearly not okay... and I know." Her very attempt to lie to him astonished him. Instead of letting the minor frustration over her facade get to him, he moved closer to her and softly brushed his thumb across her cheek.

"Not about the kids, Derek... about us. About me, and you." Meredith let out a bitter laugh and wiped the tears from her eyes once again. She was feeling so horrible about herself that she didn't want to admit it to anyone, especially Derek. She always had the dark and twisty thought lingering at the back of her mind that if she let slip the pain she was carrying around he would switch back to his mentality that she was an unfit mother, and hearing that was something that would make her irrevocably break down.