fragments of my life [MERDER]

FOUR

She slammed the door, the empty corridor narrowing in front of her as she paced around behind closed doors, droplets from her eyes flowing down her face.

In that moment, Meredith couldn't be even a little bit near Derek. She was seething with rage, overflowing; but she also wanted to scream and cry and just not feel anything, to be numb to his words so she didn't feel how she did right then. She knew he was angry, he would be for a while. That doesn't change the fact that Derek was the one who cheated on her, and then just to top it all off, he said all of that to her. Hearing those words was like someone was ripping through her heart, squeezing and pulling it apart with their bare hands. Meredith couldn't believe they could fix this anymore. She didn't think there was a them. She loved him; she loves Derek, and always would. That part of their connection was never going to change, but he just, to Meredith, at least, he clearly doesn't love her anymore.

After noticing people walking towards her, Meredith walked straight into an dark, empty supply closet near. She attempted to steady her breathing and prevent her hyperventilation but it was too far gone for that; she had too much emotion pent up inside her. She screamed, cried, punched things, threw things around off shelves, stomping on them as they smashed against the cold floor, and about twenty minutes later, she came out, calmly exiting as if nothing had happened, leaving the mess she had made behind. 

Derek always loved to talk about their post-it note; he followed it to the dot. He'd broken the rules of post-it, invalidating it, so Meredith felt like she could do the same. No running was now a non-factor in their relationship, and Meredith felt like she had to get away. She checked down the corridor for any sight of Derek, scurrying into the elevator and pressing the button for the top floor. The entire elevator ride she closed her eyes and breathed deeply in and out, refusing to let thoughts of Derek seep into her mind. As the elevator came to a halt at her floor, she quickly opened her eyes, readjusting to the light levels, and went straight to the Chief's office. She knocked on his door, and he greeted her happily, but the second Meredith stepped into his office, he could tell something was wrong.

"Meredith, what is it?"

"I can't be here anymore, Chief."

"What do you mean, Meredith?"

"I can't be here. I can't be in Seattle. I can't be here... with Derek."

"He'll be mad, sure but he'll forgive you ev-"

"He cheated on me, Dr. Webber. With Rose. Then he blamed me for it. Then he called me a bad mother. He said he was lucky Zola got taken away because I would be a bad mother... that I would ruin her. I just... I can't be here with him. I came to ask you for a transfer... to Mass Gen."

Richard was clearly angry with Derek. His eyes nearly popped out of his head hearing what Meredith had said. After what happened with Meredith's mother, Richard had always thought of her as his surrogate daughter and... he couldn't believe that Derek had done this to her. So instead of interrogating her about it, he just remarked on my choice.

"That's where-"

"Where Ellis was, I know. And the fact that I'm declaring general instead of neurosurgery or something else will.. probably make it worse. But it's where I have to go. I'm still committed to being a surgeon, Chief, that will never change. I just don't think I can do it."

Meredith wasn't stupid; she knew that studying general surgery at the exact same hospital where her mother was one of the best general surgeons in the world might bring some unwanted press, but it was where she needed to go. She couldn't do neurosurgery anymore, because it just reminded her of him. So she wanted to go to the best place for general surgery, her second choice of specialty, which just so happened to be there.