fragments of my life [MERDER]

TEN

It had officially been three and a half weeks since Meredith had left Seattle. Since she had left her sister, her person, everyone that cared about her and that she cared about. Since she had left Derek, with only a letter. Since she had left everyone without telling them where she was or if she was okay. Only one person knew, and Meredith knew he wouldn't say a word. She hated that she was taking advantage of his love for her as his surrogate daughter, but she needed her space from her old life, for now.

At the hospital, she had quickly cemented her place as the best resident, specialising in both neurosurgery, like her... Derek, and at general, just like her mother.

Two of the people she couldn't help but love, even if she hated what they did to her.

Whelan and Delaney were still acting like children, but Meredith had learned to ignore them, just like every other attending and resident in this hospital. Honestly, she kind of pitied them, knowing that she definitely wouldn't be seeing either of them working in this hospital next year.

She had got to work on some amazing cases while she was here... traumas, just like in Seattle, but also tumours, shunts... she even got a solo Whipple a couple of days ago, and of course, she had smashed it, in true Grey fashion.

Ever since she went and talked to Jade and Kieran about, well, everything from Seattle, they'd helped her get back on her feet, so to speak. She was taking time to eat, and drink, and she was sleeping a solid five or six hours a night, which was definitely an improvement. The dark circles previously invading her eyes had almost entirely disappeared now. Colour had begun to flood back onto her face, and her previously chapped, light pink lips had now turned a rosy colour, with a smile. The three of them had started studying for their boards, that were in a few months, together at Meredith's house, usually ending in a very drunk Jade and Kieran, but she hadn't drank, not one bit, not since that night she went to Jade's. Meredith felt something telling her not to, so she didn't. But something still didn't feel right, she couldn't make here feel like home. Derek was her home, and Derek wasn't here. Derek.

She couldn't do it anymore. She felt herself beginning to hyperventilate, so she ducked into an empty a supply closet and locked the door. She fell to the floor, her head in between her knees, and sobbed for what felt like hours. She had all these feelings - she missed her sister, she missed her person, she missed her husband. She missed them all and she loved Jade and Kieran but they were no replacement for them. She needed to know that they still cared about her, still loved her as much as she loved them. With her eyes red and puffy, she pulled out her old phone from her bag and ran her thumb over the screen. What if they'd just accepted that she had left and not tried to call, to text, or anything? Meredith powered it on, expecting to see nothing when it showed her the lock screen. It took what felt like an eternity for it to load, her left leg tapping silently on the floor of the closet.

35 missed calls. 13 voicemails. 68 new messages. All from Lexie, Cristina, Derek, Mark, Alex, Jackson and April. She even had a couple from Callie and Bailey and the Chief.

They mostly ran along the lines of 'please let us know you're okay' or 'please tell us where you are, Mer' or 'I'm sorry'. Lexie had left her a voicemail saying how much she needed her sister, and she couldn't lose her. Cristina had assured Meredith that she was always going to be her person, even if she didn't know where she was, even if she was in a different timezone.

Meredith continued to scroll through the messages, and listened to all of the voicemails bar the one Derek had left. She could feel the corners of her eyes beginning to glisten as her finger tensed up, hovering over the play button. Resting her head against the wall, she pressed the button and listened. He was grovelling at first, telling her how much of a mistake he made, how much he loved and missed her, he would do anything for her to forgive and told her that he was going to go to therapy to work on himself and he was going to find some way for her to trust him again. Then he went on about how he couldn't sleep, just like Meredith. That everything in the hospital reminded him of her - that he couldn't bare even riding an elevator anymore. He told her that Alex made him realise that he needed to stop blaming other people for the mess that Derek himself had caused, and that Alex showed him that the words that he had said to her had been the breaking point, the final straw, that he had hurt Meredith the most. He talked about how he spent all night long staring at the pillow next to him, that's been empty for so long. He talked about how much he missed kissing her, showing her why he married her, why he knew it was always her, making love to her, showing her that she was the love of his life, and that these past 5 weeks had been the loneliest of his life. He convinced her that he'd wait for her to let him in again, give her the space she requested and find a way to make it up to her when she did. He said he loved her, and he never should have have said what he said, and that she would be an incredible mother, and he's sorry that they both lost their Zola, their daughter.

Her mouth lay agape as she had a realisation. The apple. The dizziness, the tiredness, the vomiting.

He talked about how much he missed kissing me, making love to me, showing me that I was the love of his life, and that these past 5 weeks had been the loneliest of his life.

These past five weeks. Meredith was late.

He said he loved me, and he never should have said what he said, and that I would be an extraordinary mother, and he's sorry that we both lost our Zola, our daughter.

She would be an extraordinary mother. A mother. Something that might be happening much sooner than Meredith thought. She rummaged around the supply closet, finding a box of tests on the top shelf, and grabbing three, heading immediately to the bathroom.

Meredith picked a stall and just sat there, just for a second. This couldn't be happening, no way was this happening. She took the tests, and timed three minutes on my newer phone. As tears began to form in her eyes, the phone began to vibrate. She had an incoming call from Alex. She didn't know who else to talk to, and Alex was there.

"Mer?"

"Alex..." Meredith whimpered, hearing his voice on the other side of the line.

"Mer, it is so good to hear your voice." Alex soothed, "Mer, are you okay? Are you safe?" He inquired again.

"I'm... fine, Alex." She said, deadpanned, wiping away at the bottom of her eyes with her scrub top.

"Mer, I know you. When you say you're fine, you're not fine. You say that word so much it doesn't even sound like a word anymore". Alex sighed.

"Alex, you know I forgive you, right?"

"I know."

"So you know that when I tell you what I'm about to, you can't tell anyone. Not Cristina, not Lexie, not Derek. No one."

"I got it."

"I'm in Boston, Alex. I'm at Mass Gen, and I'm finishing residency here. Richard already knew that, but I assume he said nothing. Just like Ellis, I ran away, here."

"You're nothing like your mother, Mer." Even the mention of the word mother threatened to send Meredith into a blind crying frenzy.

"Mothers...." she paused, trying to force herself not to back out of telling Alex, telling anyone. "Anyways." She composed herself, "I have two friends here, there's Jade and Kieran, and they're helping me, they really are, but they're nothing compared to you and Cristina. Alex..." she cried out, breathing in deeply to stop the tears flowing, "Y-you can't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you, you have to promise me."

"Not even Derek? He's been going insane, Mer. Completely off the rails insane." Alex sighed, and Meredith's heart broke at Derek's struggle without her, even though she was feeling the exact same thing. "For a couple of weeks, he was angry, rude to everyone, disinterested, his mortality rate went up, he was losing his mind, Mer... he even beat me up blaming me for everything, for you leaving, for not knowing you were alive, okay. And it may be partially my fault, and I still don't know why you forgave me. He's getting better, he's in therapy, and he's worried about you. He will do anythi-"

She cut him off, and paused before she told Alex what she needed to. She picked up the sticks she had sat down on the corner of the toilet paper dispenser minutes ago, and each one of them displayed the same thing. After two years of waiting for a test to show these two pink lines, the universe picks now.

"Alex... I think I'm pregnant."