rewrite the stars - jaywon

chapter 25

Jungwon froze when he walked into the kitchen the next morning and saw Jay. Then, Jay didn't raise his head and acknowledge him, not even after he waited a moment, then another.

Jungwon had to remind himself that that was the way things were, now. He took a deep, shaky breath. And kept walking.

Jungwon reached for a granola bar. He watched Jay out of the corner of his eye as he skirted around him to get to the cupboard. Jay didn't react at all to his closer proximity.

Jungwon exhaled, too soft to be a proper sigh, when he reached the door. He looked back, at Jay's frame, still as he chopped vegetables at the counter.

"Aren't you going to offer to drive me to school?" Jungwon asked.

At last, Jay moved. He turned to look at Jungwon. His eyes flashed, subtly bright and colored, as if someone had directed a ray of light in them. Jungwon really didn't remember them lighting up like that before Jay had had his memory wiped.

"Do you want me to drive you to school?" Jay asked, and every intonation-free word another addition to the ache in Jungwon's chest.

Jungwon looked up, and up. Away from Jay's expressionless face, to the ceiling. He bit his lip, then shook his head.

"No."

Jay left it at that. He didn't press further. He simply nodded, and turned back to his chopping board.

⭐

Jungwon wished he hadn't gotten in the habit of listening to throwbacks whenever he rode in his car with Jay. Every oldie that came on reminded Jungwon of him.

But then that was better than the silence, being left alone with his thoughts. When left alone with his thoughts, he always ended up wondering what he could have done differently, to keep Jay safe and whole.

"Awww. Did Jay forget to pack you lunch today?"

Jake nodded up at the tray in Jungwon's hands. He frowned, sympathetic.

Jungwon shrugged, hoping Jake would leave it at that. He'd thought the lunches Jay made him were part of his basic tasks, but apparently not.

"Pretty sure Jay can't forget things," Heeseung snorted, "He's a robot, dude."

Jungwon exhaled, sharply. Heeseung couldn't have known, not without Jungwon saying anything, but his words still incited a twinge of pain in Jungwon's chest all the same.

Jungwon glanced around, cautiously, to make sure his gasp had escaped his friends' notices. Jake was eyeing Heeseung with a reluctant smile, like he regretted finding Heeseung's observations as amusing as he did. Sunoo and Ni-ki were caught up in their own world.

Only Sunghoon was looking at Jungwon. When Jungwon's eyes landed on him, Sunghoon stared at him for a beat, his brows lowered. Only to then glance away after a moment, down at his own tray of food.

Jungwon frowned. At any other point in their friendship, Sunghoon would've probably confronted him about his nonresponses. Sunghoon would have asked annoying questions about what was bothering him.

But Sunghoon was still hesitant, still treading lightly because he'd messed up at the party, and he was feeling bad.

Jungwon didn't like Sunghoon's mistake being the only reason he wasn't bothering him. Jungwon wanted Sunghoon to push him, to ask him about Jay. He wanted an excuse to shout. He jabbed at the rehydrated slush that served as cafeteria food with his spork, missing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches more than he ever thought he would.

⭐

Jay was on his hands and knees in the front flower bed when Jungwon arrived home from school. Jungwon stilled as he stepped out of his car. He reshouldered his backpack, deliberating. Then, despite knowing the interaction would be futile and that he'd come out of it feeling even more hopeless and hollow, Jungwon shuffled over to the flower bed.

"Hey, Jay," he called, one hand in his hoodie pocket.

Without looking up from the weeds he was pulling, Jay corrected tonelessly, "My designation is model gamma-eight-six-five-seven, jay three."

"Yeah, yeah," Jungwon sighed. Jay really didn't want Jungwon calling him Jay. "You know, you say that enough times, maybe I'll finally be able to remember it."

Jay paused. He sat back on his heels, looking blankly at Jungwon. It still made that ache twinge in Jungwon's chest, every time he saw Jay's face looking like that.

"My designation is model gamma-eight-six-five-seven, jay three. My designation is--."

Jungwon laughed helplessly, humorlessly.

"I didn't mean to literally do it. Oh my God."

Jungwon crouched down to look at Jay eye-to-eye, slinging off his backpack, letting it land with a thump on their perfectly manicured front lawn.

Jay's eyes followed his movement. He blinked his blank eyes, and it was the first alteration Jungwon had seen to his face through the entire conversation. Jungwon had never really known how telling Jay's facial expressions were, until he'd lost all of them.

"What did they do to you?" Jungwon mused aloud, peering at Jay's face.

How had his parents found it so easy to wipe him blank? They'd had no regard for the being that had already accumulated memories and feelings and friends and preferences in just a few weeks time out in the world.

Jay had no answer for him, even if he were capable of giving one. He just gazed at Jungwon, dead-eyed.

The longer Jungwon looked at Jay's unchanging face, the harder it was to keep his own straight.

"Shit..." Jungwon cursed, under his breath.

He looked away, down. Jay's hands were covered in soil from the flowerbed, his fingernails encrusted with dirt.

Jungwon recalled how it had felt when Jay had brushed his hair aside. How Jay had smiled at him, after.

"Are you even still in there?"

— the end of chapter 25 ♡