How Love Grows (Completed)

Simula

Simula

When you left me, pain walks in. The place I may call home is our friendship. But it became my worst anguish and broke me in my instance. The cries and laughter turn into the muffled memories of two contented people who have vanished in the light. I'm still in the process of trying to find a solution to the problem you choose to remove from the inquiry.

It is too much to ask when I said I needed you. You gave me hope, but you left me with no choice but to let go.

I am standing in the street, gazing at the dark roads, waiting for you to come back and bring back the light that was once mine. 

Anyone in my life has belittled me, and I asked you to stay, yet you are out of my sight. 

You left, and I stayed. You forget, and I forgive.  Because my love never left, the same thing you do.

"Hi, love," I whispered to the person in front of me. The spark we had before is still in me.

Amid the crowd here in Santo Niño de Basilica, where I often name the place as my peace, the wind blows towards me. I gaze once again at those eyes that once had a warm, comforting glance but have since become cold and vacant, blankly observing me. My heart fluttered, but my eyes never lit up, but... it did rain. 

Cold. Angry... Unloved. These are the things I've noticed in her eyes that make me feel worse on the inside.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya naging ganito. She's the one who left! She left without saying anything! She is something that I think has betrayed me. In my head, I argue with my heart that she is lying to me. She has never been true for the sake of love. What am I? Aren't she loves me?  Tinapos niya ang pagkakaibigan namin na hinding hindi ko magagawa sa kanya! She can easily write those words in that fucking letter and stare at me like this.

I am mad! Yet, given the reality, I was unable to continue. She was someone I was concerned about. I adore her. I've never undone anything we've done in the past; I still keep them with me in case she returns.

And yes, she may do so, but she became different.

Bakit nasa isip ko na mali ko ang lahat ng nangyari? May kasalanan ako, oo inaamin ko 'yon pero bakit ako pa ang naghahabol? Ako pa ang hindi makalimot? Hindi siya mabitawan? Bakit ako ang nasasaktan? Bakit hindi ko ramdam ang sakit at pangungulila sa mga mata niya?

Bakit naiisip ko na kung sana hindi ko pinili muna ang sarili kong mag isip, hindi kami aabot sa ganito. Bakit ramdam ko na kasalanan ang piliin muna ang sarili kahit sa isang araw? 

Isang beses lang ako napagod, isang beses ko lang pinili ang sarili ko, pero sa isang beses na iyon… umalis siya. Sa isang beses na iyon… dumilim muli ang mundo ko.

Hindi na ba tama ang pagpili ng sarili, o sadyang mali ako sa pagkakataong iyong oras na iyon sa pagpili?

As the waves splashed on the shore, memories of the same place took me back to that time.

"Father Joseph, kamusta po kayo?" tanong ko sa isang matanda na matagal ko ng hindi nakikita.

Tumango siya sa akin, umubo siya ng kaunti bago inilagay ang kamay sa likod at humarap sa altar.

"Kinamusta mo ba ang sarili mo?" biglaan niyang tanong na siyang nagpagulat sa 'kin.

He slightly laughed when I didn't answer him. It shook me when that question came up, because in reality, I never did once ask myself that question. only to the people I love...

Then he spoke again. "Sabi nila, if you treasure yourselves’ feelings, you will never let yourself feel unwanted… If you love yourself, you will never have to be sad about being alone."