How Love Grows (Completed)

Kabanata 22

Kabanata 22

World

In the process of healing from the grief, pain locked me in. It was so hard to get through it. Little things that make me remember that night trembled me. The things and places that reminded me of her hurt me even more. The family I see on the street envies me more. And I question myself again: Am I worth it to live? Maybe not, because it wasn't given to me.

 

I am trying to change what I did wrong and correct the things I can't control. Neither of it; it will always be me who will be in it. I guessed life would be more inspiring and harmonizing if you were the person you loved and called home. But somehow, as I am taking this path alone, I have a blurry future and doubts about myself. I find it more interesting than the difficulties of the process. It gives me much more time to know myself.

 

 

How is pain intact for me? How does a broken heart grow me? How can I handle myself in the dark?

 

Eve is right; we should now take our paths separately to our different destinations. But I will never outgrow my love for her, just like she does. It will always be in me, even though it hurts me more. I can't move on. I can't let go. This pain I tried to heal is acceptance for myself that I ignored. I accept that it will make me free from the darkness that consumes my insight.

Sa daan na tatahakin ko, wala na ang kumpas ko na magbibigay sa 'kin sa tamang daan. Wala na anh tahanan ko na minsay kong matatakbuhan kong ako ay puno na. Hindi pa ako sigurado kung babalik man siya, o babalik nga pero hindi na… sa akin.

Pagkatapos ng araw na 'yon, umalis na ako sa bahay nila Ate Melds. Nag insist pa nga sila na doon ang maghapunan, pero tumanggi ako. This is my problem and struggle; I shouldn't indulge anyone in it. Napaisip ako na hindi ko kailangan na saluhin nila para lang makabangon. Kailangan ko rin tulungan ang aking sarili.

 

Napasinghap ako habang nakatanaw sa kalangitan. The clouds seem very peaceful and not that cloudy enough to rain. You know, I've come to realize that not only people have emotions. Pati din ang ulap; it will rain if it gets heavy. Just like a broken person, we tend to cry about having massive feelings inside. It's just a comparison between two different things.

 

Hindi ko mawari kung saan ako patutungo ngayon. Layo pa at nahihiya ako sa Auntie ko kung mananatili pa ako doon. Tas minsan dumadalaw si Mama sa kanila, baka magkita kami at magalit ulit siya. Umuwi ako sa bahay ng Auntie ko na pagod. Nadatnan ko silang magpapamilya na masayang nakaupo sa sala habang nanonood ng palabas. Masakit siya tanawin pero 'yon ang bagay na hindi na muling mapapasaakin.

Pumasok ako at nakangiti silang sinalubong. Lahat sila naka tingin sa 'kin. Nagmano ako kay Auntie at sa asawa niya, pagtapos ay umupo sa pang isahang sofa.

"Oh, kamusta ang lakad mo? Natawagan mo ba?" tanong niya.

Malungkot akong tumango pero kaagad din namang ngumiti.

"Opo, Auntie…" Sasabihin ko ba sa kaniya ang sinabi sa asawa ni Tito? Hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin 'yon, hindi ako komportable. Pero kung magtatanong siya, maghahanap nalang ako ng palusot.

"Oh, kukunin ka daw ba? Anong sinabi?" kuryuso niyang saad. 

Nakatingin na rin sa 'kin ang asawa niya habang nasa television ang mga anak. Nagaabang sila pareho sa magiging sagot ko. Ngumiti ako.