Always And Never (Sapnotfound)

Chapter 19

T/W - sexual themes, slight abuse, homophobia, mature themes etc.

A/N - I think it's hard to skip this chapter so if anyone wants a short summary I'd be happy to provide one!

Sapnaps POV

   I would be lying if I said I wasn't a wreck. I'd done everything I could to hide it, but it was getting exhausting.

   The texts hurt too. I'd listened to just about everything my dad told me to do. Except block his number. I couldn't do that. The first few days he'd sent me plenty of messages and I read every one, it broke my heart how desperate they sounded, but I at least knew he didn't hate me. Even if he should.

   Dream had been there for me the whole time, and I felt bad knowing he had to keep what happened from George. He still insisted I move in with his family, reminding me how I've always been welcome. They weren't my family though, I appreciated them so much, but I had to stay with my own family. My father was doing this for my good, he wanted me safe. Neither of my parents had ever hurt me either, they would never do that to me, all they wanted was for me to have a happy life. No matter how hard it was now, I knew someday I would be grateful for this. At least that's what my dad had been telling me, and why wouldn't I believe him?

   After seeing George at school I knew I had to distract myself. The first day I almost tried talking to him and pretending like nothing happened, that couldn't happen I messed it up.

   Instead I found a girl willing to throw herself all over me and doing anything to get with me. She was perfect. Stunning, and George was never on my mind when I was with her. Not when he wore the few of my sweatshirts he had left. Not even when he started wearing Crop tops again and I could see his ribs. I couldn't care less that it was obvious he wasn't taking care of himself. It wasn't my place. We weren't friends.

   It hurt not going to school with Clay, mornings were always more boring alone, but it was fine. It was one time to look back at my relationship with George and find all the reasons how I only was with him cause he reminded me of a girl.

  I even caught my girlfriend with George in the hallway once. She was going off on him telling him how she was better. I didn't listen. I couldn't, I knew if I paid attention I would've taken his side. So instead I grabbed her waist from behind, laying my face in her neck and whispered something about leaving.

   When I was alone, it hurt, hurt like hell, I missed him. I couldn't get him off my mind then, there was nothing to distract myself with. It was all him and only him. So I found new ways to distract myself. She was always over, or I was at her place, and we spent most nights together. We slept together, all the time. But that didn't do the job either, all I could think about was how he was better. His noises, his face, and how he felt. He was always better. He would always be better. And that was how everything crumbled.

   My hand was wrapped gently in her brown hair, she didn't like it rough, always went at her pace. She bobbed her head up and down, choking every once in a while. My noises were soft, how she liked it, guys weren't meant to make much noise.

   She was good, not like him, but still good, and az my thoughts slipped to George, I couldnt help but let out a loud groan, "Fuck, George, you're doing so good."

   I froze, watching her sit up and look at me, angry, "what the fuck what that?"

    "What do you mean sweetheart? I just let out a groan you were doing good."

   "Don't call me sweetheart! You just moaned HIS name. It's been a month Nick! Get over him! He's a boy for fucks sake!"

   I bent over and searched the floor for my boxers as she gathered all of her clothes, "It was a mistake baby, you're way better than him, you know that. I love you."

   The words tasted disgusting on my tongue. I only loved George. Why couldn't I just admit it?

   "You're an ass Nick."

   And we fought, screamed, until my dad opened the door.

   "What the fuck is going on in here?!"

   She pointed a finger at me while pushing by him to leave, "You're son just fucking moaned a boys name! Do I looking a guy to you? He can go find some other girl to use while he lies to himself."

   She didn't say anymore just left, left my dad and I alone. Alone. After telling him I messed up.

   "Dad I didn't-"

   "Shut your fucking mouth. I don't want to hear your excuses. What is wrong with you? Why are you so hung up on some BOY?! No son of mine likes guys. It's not natural."

   I froze as he walked closer to me, laying a hand on my shoulder and... slapping me with the other. Hard. A small whimper left my mouth at the impact, I'd fought before, but there was no preparation for this hit. And he was stronger than me.

   "You're pathetic. Crying over a single hit? How did I let you become so weak?"

   "I-Im not weak," even I was surprised at my words, I never dared to talk back, "You're weak. What kind of father hits their child?"

   "I'm trying to fix you Nick!"

   "Fix me? I don't need fixing! And I'm done with you're shit!" I pulled away from him, throwing my football bag over my shoulder, "Nothing about me needs to be fixed! The-there's nothing wrong with liking boys!"

   I tried pushing past him to leave.

   "Where the fuck do you think you're going?

   "I'm leaving, I'm going somewhere I can be myself."

   I felt his hand land on my shoulder again, "if you leave I don't want you coming back."

   I jerk away and start to walk off, "Deal."

   I don't turn around just make my way out of the house to my car. I drove to the only place I could, and I'm reality I should've done this a while ago.

   Stepping out of the car I make my way to the house, knocking my fists on the door. I almost pulled out my phone to text him before the door opened.

   "Sapnap?"

   "George?"