Suicidal **CURRENTLY EDITING**

Chapter 21

Songs for this chapter:

Human - Christina Perri

Even My Dad Does Sometimes - Ed Sheeran

I stare at my laptop screen, reading the lies for so long I don't know what's real anymore.

She'll stay with me. We'll make I work this time. I'll make it different this time. She won't leave me this time. They'll stop hating me if she doesn't leave me. Everything's going to be fine. It will be fine.

I don't care. I don't care. They're only people talking and I don't care that they think I leave my girlfriends all the time. I don't care that they think of me as selfish. Or a manwhore. I don't care that they make things u. I don't care if they keep ruining my relationships or won't stop taking pictures or crowding me or leaving me with no privacy or making me feel like shit whenever they can or that I've been crying for the past hour or that everything in my body hurts when I'm left alone.

I don't care.

I can't care.

I have to leave soon and tell everyone I've been doing great. I can't cry or tell anyone what's going on and I don't want anyone worrying about me or brushing me off. I didn't need more people to talk, because there were already millions.

I still remember the burning feeling that throbbed in my arm the last time things got bad, and I thought that would be over now that I'm here with Jennifer. I didn't think of all the people who hated us together, but I was thinking that I had to smile and laugh because that's what I always do.

I feel like each of my ribs were being broken inwards and stabbing my lungs, but I could do it. My legs will eventually stop shaking when I stand up and I won't have to buckle over in pain if I hear something else.

I place my phone down and let myself rise from the bed.

I want to scream and pull my hair or do something so every bone doesn't ache. The tears on my cheeks burn like acid and I'm breathing heavily, making my thoughts fuzzy. My hands grip onto the nightstand beside me and I watch as my blurry knuckles turn white.

I'm mad at myself for being sad, and frustrated that I can't make it stop. Everything that ever made me fell shitty is here so I can remember and nothing can make it stop. I start remembering shit that happened when I was in high school and how that's nothing compared to what's happening now and the looks of disgust people gave me as I walked by them with smiling girls beside me.

I suddenly can't stand being in this room or this world because I'm uncomfortable everywhere and need to be sliced out of my own skin to relax. I ache to do something instead of stand here and let everything hurt, but wasn't competent enough to come up with anything.

My loose clothing is too tight and my skin itches and the blood pulsing through my veins was flowing too quickly. I know why I'm not good enough for Megan now and why she doesn't want me and why Jennifer won't stay with me or why anyone else doesn't stay with me.

I wasn't like this before. I never cried like this before or hurt like this before and I wish someone could have warned me so I had more time to make it better.

I want to tell someone that could help me and understand, but I can't develop a sentence out of this pain. I'd look mad trying to explain how everything so fine but never fine and I can't stop laughing and other times I want to hide myself behind a ten-storey stone wall.

The four walls around me are getting smaller and start to close in. I can hear a phone ringing, trying to drag me out of my head. I want to answer it so the thinking would stop, but my shaky voice is coated in suffering.