Suicidal **CURRENTLY EDITING**

Chapter 20

Songs for this chapter:

Yours - Ella Henderson

My eyes shot open and I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, feeling like all the blood was being pumped to my head.

His hands were all over her body again and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to push the image out of my mind. She was an entire ocean away and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't if I was there. I shouldn't have been thinking about it and I shouldn't have dreamt about it. It was going to happen and it had probably happened a long time ago.

I imagine the way she would smile up at him and then me and how much more I could appreciate her and make her happy.

I sat on the edge of the bed with Jennifer asleep beside me, pulling at the roots of my hair as I diverted my mind from the subject.

It was okay. I don't own her and she can do whatever she likes. Even if it's with someone else.

I rolled onto my back again, the blankets around my legs and I stared up at the white ceiling, hearing breaths being inhaled and exhaled and the sound of my thoughts trying to scream over it.

I wanted anything but to wake up remembering the dream and I closed my eyes, trying to sleep, but her body was with him again and she would laugh and smile with him and want him, forgetting about me, just like I forgot about her.

Being with Jennifer makes me forget it and makes me less attached to her. After I start thinking about it, I don't know if I want to forget.

I turned on my side to look at Jen and her soft expressions as she slept. I slid my hand across her waist and looked at her intently, feeling guilty for even thinking of her tonight when I wanted Jennifer so much just a few hours ago.

Without a doubt, I still wanted to be with her her. The idea of Megan still lingered, but it was only an idea. Ideas aren't real.

I let out a breath, pressing my mouth to Jen's cheek and she gently stirred, a crease forming between her eyebrows. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled us closely together, running my fingers through her soft hair.

My eyes were still wide open and I don't know how much more sleep I would get with the thought of Andrew touching her, but I began counting my breaths and hoped it would waste enough time for the sun to rise.

~*~

By the time I opened my eyes, I couldn't remember falling asleep or even getting tired, but I blinked and sun was filling the room.

I squinted as I looked around, trying to adjust to my somewhat unfamiliar settings. Wiping the sleep out of my eyes, I sat up and looked around to realize complete silence was all that could be heard.

I reached out my hand to touch Jennifer and bring her closer, but the sheets were cold. The thicker blanket was folded over like a page in a book and I sat up, frowning.

I looked around the room, thinking I was just tired and she was somewhere else in the room, and found my only company was furniture and clothing. Standing up, I pulled my pants up my legs and walked out, trying to calm my increased heart beat. It'll be okay.

"Jennifer?" I called out, chewing on the inside of my cheek

"... Today? When? I'm sure it can wait..." Her voice got louder and I let my muscles relax.

"Jen?" I asked, leaning against the doorframe as I watched her pace back and forth in the kitchen area, a phone pressed to her ear. She still wore my shirt and it dropped to the very top of her exposed thighs.

Her makeup was gone and I could see light brown freckles across the tops of her cheeks. She looked over to me and smiled warmly. She was beautiful.