Waiting for a Miracle

24th April 2021

Dear Ben,

I changed my handwriting. I got bored of my fancy one. It's a bit shaky, because my hands are shaking and my arms are numb - I just changed my bedsheets. Low blood pressure...am I right? Yup, at this very second I can feel way too much blood pooling in my legs.

Well anyways, moving on. I'm going to start writing a diary to you! Honestly, it'll stop me from going crazy from not being able to see or talk to you. How low can my mood go though? I'm already depressed. I probably can't write everyday, not with everyone always watching me and asking what I'm doing. If they do ask, I'm planning storylines for the novel collab I'm doing with my friend Hermionie.

Let me fill you in on my day before I go watch TV with everyone else on "family night". Well last night I obviously cried myself to sleep for like...the millionth time. Not only because I miss you so much, but because I've also been having a horrible dream a lot. Basically you die, I watch people lower you into a coffin and then they burn you to ashes. I hate this dream. I laid there, still in my hoodie and slippers, laying on the wrong side of my bed without my duvet on me or my head on a pillow, and just cried until I fell asleep. I woke up, and I was obviously still sad, but I have to hide that from everyone. I cleaned my room, put up with my mum yelling at me about why I get so overwhelmed (I was getting stressed about all the things I had to do before work) and went to pack my lunch. By now I was getting angry about tiny things like a cereal box falling over or Mike's positivity. I couldn't cry because I had to go to work. I just fell silent. Everyone got suspicious so I said I was tired, which I guess was true.

I like work. Everyone calls me a good girl and I like it. I clean, make coffee, serve ice cream and do dishes. It's fun.

That's pretty much my day, and now I'm back to how I felt this morning. Mike's knocking on my door anyway so I have to go.

Love you!

Yours,
Eloise xxx