Waiting for a Miracle

15th May 2021

Dearest Ben,

I have been waiting to write to you since my conversation with my mum in the car. This is how it went.

"How are you feeling about tomorrow? You know, about seeing Ben?" my mum asked. Yes. She used your NAME. I was shocked too. "I don't know...it'll be strange." I delivered my lines perfectly. Acting is easy. "I think you'll be fine," she said. "But yeah, it will be. I know you were hurt, so it's going to feel weird." I tried not to smile. She still thinks that I'm hurt by you. Ha. "Like I said though, you can't avoid someone forever," she continued. Excuse me whut? She was the one who had forbidden me from seeing you!! I didn't say anything. I was suddenly very interested by the different shapes of trees.

As we pulled into the driveway, she said one more thing: "At any point you think, 'I can't do this', just tell me, okay? You can talk to me. You aren't going through this alone."

"Kay," I replied.

Wow. Just...wow. She is the CAUSE of my depression!! She took you away from me - the only person that made me feel truly happy. I have never felt at home ANYWHERE. Not in any of the houses we've ever moved to. But you did. You felt like home.

And she thinks I was trying to kill myself in January because you'd HURT me?!?!?!?!

I can't even.

I thought I'd made it obvious to her how much I loved you. Even when she read through my online diary and my messages with my therapist. It was blindingly obvious. And yet she'd shaped the truth to fit her and make it seem like she was the good guy. To justify her actions of taking you away.

It doesn't matter anymore, the worst has already happened. I'm just glad to be able to see you again. Merely seeing you.

I had another Walker song in my head. Unity. There's a line in it that goes, "Everyone is lonely sometimes, but I would walk a thousand miles to see your eyes." I pondered that for a while, and then I realized that I would. I would walk a thousand miles to see you. In fact, I would walk as many miles as it took. I would pack my bag with food, a drink, things for the cold and things for the hot weather, money, my phone, and through the whole journey I'd wear the "Anna rug bracelet"*. Ahh, memories. I would walk and walk, using my phone to find places to rest, replenish my supplies, until I found you. I would do that even if I could only see you from afar, even if that was what I was only allowed to do.

And I would smile.

I love you so so so so so much, so much I would do anything for you.

Anything. I mean it.

Yours,
Eloise xxx

*Anna rug bracelet is the bracelet me and Ben made from someone at our church's rug and that I always wore (except I can't now because I'm supposed to pretend to my family that I don't care about Ben). Yeah...their rug hahaha. One day I'll wear it again.