Waiting for a Miracle

15th November 2021

Dear Readers,

Boy do I have an update for you. Don't get excited, it's not good news.

All communications with Ben have been cut altogether. No one is mad, no one cares, but I do have news. I didn't hurt as much as I thought I would, because I still have small hope because there's still a small chance.

What am I talking about? The fact that apparently Ben didn't want to hurt me and wanted me to be happy so he made up some stuff. Apparently I got too intense and so he felt he had to lie. He felt like his contact with me took over and what was pleasurable at the start turned into something he felt he had to be a sort of pillar of strength in. I even asked him once if he meant everything he said, and he said he did. So that confused me. He said I still mean a lot to him and it was painful to say but he had to. Yeah I'm hurt because I even apologized if I was being clingy at the start and he said it just made me even more lovable. So I had no idea I was being too intense for him, because he said he was happy. But if he had just told me I was being too much I would have drawn back a bit for his sake.

Some of the stuff he told me was true, like he would always love me and he would never leave me, and other stuff, but over time he started to just tell me things he thought I wanted to hear. He thought it wouldn't hurt me but this hurts more.

But honestly, I'm not as hurt as you'd think. Because I know Ben still cares about me because he is really, really sorry about it all and doesn't want to hurt me. His love was real. He really was in love. But he never meant for it to become anything.

Why am I not as hurt as you'd think? Because in the future, when we're adults, more mature and deeper in our faith with God, we'll know what we want because we won't have all these hormones. I could be wrong, but for now I'm holding onto the hope that God is taking him away for now because the timing isn't right, but will bring him back again. And I would be better at controlling my feelings as to not overwhelm Ben again. Even my mum is okay with that. She said she's at peace with God's will and will even be happy for me if Ben is the one God wants for me. She said it's okay for me to hope as long as it doesn't become an obsession and it keeps me moving forward.

There is hope. There really is.

I still love Ben, and I'll love him forever. No I won't be with anyone else. I made that decision a year ago. I'm being faithful to Ben. If he is in God's will, nothing can stop Him from bringing Ben back. For now I have to respect Ben and give him the time and space he needs to figure out what he wants and for him to find himself first. I trust in God.

Signing off,
Eloise :)