Waiting for a Miracle

14th May 2021

My dear Ben,

I found a song that reflects my depression perfectly. Lily by Alan Walker. I am a newly made Walker fan, he does great songs and always seems to find the perfect singer to add lyrics. This particular song tells a story, and that story recreates my battle with depression. In my case, the creature telling the lies is Satan, the woods is depression and the people who warn her are the people in my life who think their 'loving' words are making things better when they're not.

Lily was a little girl
Afraid of the big, wide world
She grew up within her castle walls

Now and then she tried to run
And then on the night with the setting sun
She went in the woods away
So afraid, all alone

They warned her, don't go there
There's creatures who are hiding in the dark
Then something came creeping
It told her

"Don't you worry, just
Follow everywhere I go
Top of all the mountains or valley low
Give you everything you've been dreaming of
Just let me in, ooh"
"Everything you want in gold
I'll be the magic story you've been told
And you'll be safe under my control
Just let me in, ooh"

Just let me in, ooh

She knew she was hypnotized
And walking on cold thin ice
Then it broke, and she awoke again

Then she ran faster and
Start screaming, "Is there someone out there?"
"Please help me, come get me"
Behind her, she can hear it say

"Follow everywhere I go
Top of all the mountains or valley low
Give you everything you've been dreaming of
Just let me in, ooh"
"Everything you want in gold
I'll be the magic story you've been told
And you'll be safe under my control
Just let me in, ooh"

Just let me in, ooh

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Everything you want in gold
I'll be the magic story you've been told
And you'll be safe under my control
Just let me in, ooh

Follow everywhere I go
Top of all the mountains or valley low
Give you everything you've been dreaming of
Just let me in, ooh

Then she ran faster and
Start screaming, "Is there someone out there?"
"Please help me"
Just let me in, ooh

Urm, last night I may or may not have stayed up way too late reading Twilight...it's the only way for me to escape reality, to escape my life and live in a world where it feels like it was when I could see you. Plus, Twilight fans knew Stephenie Meyer was writing Twilight again, but this time in Edward's point of view instead of Bella's. It took yeeeaaars to get published. And when I heard it had in 2020, I have spent all this time searching for it. It is finally mine! Muahahahahahahahaaa!!

Exciting news, I'm going to South Coast Church this Sunday! My mum booked the seats and then told me, because she thought I might object. I pretended to be cautious of seeing you, thinking (well, pretending) that I might go 'backwards' or whatever. But in my head I was crying and I could have screamed with joy because a teensy tiny little itty bit of prayer had been answered. I get to see you. Even if it is literally just that, just seeing you from a distance, I'm still so happy and excited, I never get excited anymore. This is big news!!!! Ahhhhh!!!!

Of course I'll have to act slightly shaken but not too shaken otherwise we won't go again. Yes, I have already planned out the conversation:

"How did you feel about seeing you-know-who today?" my mum will ask - we are not allowed to say your name so we act like you're Voldemort or something. I hate this.
"It was strange after so long and everything that happened," I'll lie. "But I'll get used to that the more we go."

I'm getting very good at this acting thing. They all believe me.

You can't stop someone from loving another.

See you soon! Love you!

Yours,
Eloise xxx