Within these walls

Chapter 39

"Sorry o, but what is this you did on my hair?" I asked, thinking of how long it will take me to detangle the rubbish.

I asked this man to help me loose my hair and he somehow convinced me that he knows how to plait the hair. He helped me in loosening the hair and decided to plait cornrows for me. He did absolute rubbish.

"I did great right? I told you I have skills," he smiled and raised his brows.

"Skills? Please stay away from my hair, it is going to take me a long time to detangle this thing you tangled in the name of plaiting." I grumbled.

"See life, somebody that I helped o. Keep your hair to yourself madam.

"Jay" I shouted from the room

"Why are you always shouting?" he asked after coming in.

I ignored him and said, "mummy is sending dry fish and some spices later on, please keep your ears to the door when I am out."

AbdulJalal has this stupid habit of not answering doors if he is not expecting anyone. His rule is to call before you come and if you don't he can decide not to open the door.

"Who is Mummy?" he asked.

"Mummy Kaduna"

"Why do you call Aunty, mummy? You are so weird," he laughed.

"You guys are the weird ones, why do you call your mother Aunty?" I asked

"I don't know, I grew up seeing Zee and every other child that came to our house call her Aunty, so, I went with the flow." He shrugged.

"Weirdos." I rolled my eyes.

Between my mother and my mother-in-law, I do not lack traditional food items. Everyone does their house shopping with us in mind and I am so grateful for that.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

"Saloon, I can't even detangle this nonsense you did on my hair myself, I need help. AbdulJalal avoid my hair." I ended with a warning.

I remember before I got married, I got so much solicited and unsolicited advice from everyone. One thing my aunt told me was "make sure whoever you decide to do life with is kind, it will help when the love eventually wears out."

At that time the statement didn't make sense to me, until now it doesn't because my understanding of what love Is encompasses kindness.

However, today is one of those days that the reason why we haven't killed each other in this house is definitely not love, I am not even sure if it is kindness, it is sha something that is holding us together.

Everything started with Jay deciding for us without first running it by me. I felt blindsided and disrespected. There is no reason for you to make a decision that will affect another wholesome adult without running it by the person. He didn't even have the decency to tell me, I just saw his decision manifesting before my eyes, when I asked, he shrugged and said, "I didn't think it would matter telling you or not, besides it is for our good."

I have been thinking about that statement and all I can say is that my all so 'perfect lover' happens to not be so perfect after all. He has annoying flaws too. I have come to terms with the fact that when people are assigned as leads in whatever situation such traits of selfishness might show up once in a while. I am deeply hurt and moving past this has been so difficult, for the first time someone did something to me and it is not what it is.

I am in that headspace where I want a time out, I want to go back, restrategize before continuing this thing called marriage. I am deeply hurt and nothing prepared me for this behaviour.

My housemate and I hardly talk beyond the necessary conversation. Our meal times are pin-drop silent and the hardest thing is sharing a bed. Our counsellor adviced we got a small bed, so, on days we are angry we can at least bridge the gap when we keep bumping into each other in bed. Right now I feel so stupid for taking that advice, I don't want to be bumping into this human being. I almost locked him out of the room yesterday but the rational part of my mind kicked against it. I mean if he locks me out of the house the next time we have a disagreement how would I feel? It was that thought that helped me sail through yesterday.

What is more annoying than what he did is him not acknowledging he did anything wrong. As far as he was concerned, "it is for our good."

I agree it is but can he be a decent human being and run these 'for our good' decisions by me. That shouldn't be asking for too much or is it?

However, I probably added fire to the whole situation calling him selfish and yelling. I wasn't on the best of my behaviour when I saw what he did and I deeply regret the words that flew out of my mouth there is no justification for that.

It is interesting how all the written think-pieces and formulas on how to handle yourself when caught up in such situations always make things look easy. The writers make it look like a walk in the park but you will never know how difficult it is until you find yourself in that situation.

Anger has a way of sapping away something in you, sometimes it just wants you to retaliate, other times it makes you feel like a foolish person. Still not an excuse for toxicity sha. Just as there is room for you to express yourself that room has to come with sense because you can't love in a vacuum. You have to learn how to say what you feel without pushing away those that love you and those you love.

Words I have said, I can't take back, the decision he made, he can't undo. I wonder how we are going to go from here, maybe we are not kind to each other as we thought we were after all because if we were, we probably wouldn't be here. Or maybe we are but some transgressions just need to happen for us to look inside and be better people for ourselves and those we love. 

Hello!!

I know, it has been more than six months and I wish I have a tangible explanation but to be honest I don't. Writing just became very difficult and I stopped. 

I wish I can say this update means I am back but it really not so. I don't know when I will get out of this phase but when I do, I will update. I hope you enjoyed the chapter all though it is a bit all over the place.

See you as soon as I can.