Within these walls

Chapter 38

I used to be the biggest cheerleader of not centring your life around one person, heck I will still tell everyone not to centre their life around one person especially a man because men will shock you.

However, since this marriage thing happened I have come to realize how amazing it is having your person, you know someone you call yours. I feel like if AbdulJalal should say he wants to take in another wife today I might lose my mind. Before anyone goes crazy, I know we are Muslims and Islamically a man is allowed to have four wives if he can treat them equally. But I just don't think it is something my mind can handle. I hate how the society doesn't take into consideration the feelings of the existing wife, everyone just expects you to accept sharing someone you love and have built a life with already with another person. The most annoying thing is those that say "you get to have a new sister."

When you are not mad, please I know my mother's children and this woman is not one of them.

Anyways back to having your person. I don't know how to articulate this but there is this calmness within me whenever I remember that I am married to this man. My mood literally goes from a 50-100 whenever I come back home to him or he comes back to me. I think one of the reasons why our fights don't last for days is because I always feel like I am going to lose my mind when fighting with him.

I love that I don't have to carry my problems alone, I have an actual shoulder to lean on and his shoulders are quite broad. The little thing like not being worried about my phone being charged or not oversleeping is part of a lot of things that make me feel giddy about having my person.

Back to sharing problems, Jay has been coming back from work stressed, it is obvious that something is wrong but he doesn't want to share. This is one thing I hate about this man, he legit carries everyone's problems but finds it hard to share his.

"Babe," I called, putting my hands on his neck while hovering over him, he was sitting on the dining table working on his laptop.

"My madam, how far?" he asked raising his head to give me his dashing smile.

I came over to the side and leaned on the table beside him.

"What is wrong?"

"Nothing. Why are you asking?" he asked making circles on my palm.

"Jay I have been paying attention to you for the last few days and you seem distressed. I wanted you to come clean at your own time but obviously, you won't and you have been tossing and turning in your sleep, so what's up?"

"It is probably stress from overworking, it is nothing much he said and started tapping his thighs."

AbdulJalal is a terrible liar and he doesn't know this but when he is lying he taps his thighs.

"Come," I pulled him up to the sitting area.

"Babe, I am working, can this your interrogation wait till later?" he whined.

We sat on the sofa and I held his hands. Looking into his eyes, I could see the stress.

"It is nothing to worry yourself about, just work stress. You know we launched the new spices recently, so, it is taking a toll on me."

"AbdulJalal, this is not the first time you are launching new products, so, stop lying."

He sighed and kept quiet for two minutes. That two minutes felt like forever because I could see the inner turmoil he was dealing with.

Instead of this man to talk he turned and laid his head on my laps.

"So, the new spice is not doing well in the market as we expected. we believed in it a lot and pooled a lot of finances into it. If things don't pick up soon we would be in huge debts and I am not even worried about myself, I am worried about the home front. I am stressed how this business mishap didn't happen when I didn't have to take care of you. Of course, there are savings and all but I don't know how long it will last because I have to deep from it to pay employees and I don't know how long before things get better. I am so confused and helpless and I am scared," he whispered the last part.

"But don't worry Babe, I got you. We will do anything we can do to make sure things pick up," he added in a rush.

I don't want to say I understand why Jay is distressed but I know that money issue is stressful and can be a difficult thing to handle. We live in a stressful society where people are placed on a pedestal based on gender, I think it is not fair and we should be kinder to people. I can't really speak for men because I am not in their shoes but that pedestal of you are only as enough as the money you have and the life you can give to the people under your care is a difficult status to be placed on.

Life must be very difficult for them, constantly thinking of the next big thing to do to make money so people don't disrespect you and you are not expected to complain because you are a man.

I am not belittling or saying women are not stressed about money too, they definitely are because we live in a society where if you don't fend for yourself and you are able to stand on your feet, life will shock you.

I leaned in and placed a lingering peck on Jay's head.

"Babe, these things happen in business. We win some and we lose some. I know it must feel like everything is collapsing because you had such high hopes for the product, we all had but just like everything in life, we plan and God plans, God plan is always the best sha and we don't have to understand why but it will all fall into place.

Don't worry about here, the home front, as long as there is something enough to pay the staff, then don't worry. We will go back to the drawing board and re-strategize. We are solid over here, after all, I am your sugar mummy, so, I got you." I ended with a little laugh.

"I know and that was why I didn't want to tell you, I don't want it to come to this point where you have to chip in to run the house and take care of yourself, it just makes me feel like I have failed, " he sighed.

"See, I don't understand the pressure you are in and the pedestal society has placed you that has made you feel you are only as enough as the zeros in your bank account. Do I love the idea that you spend on me and take care of me, I can't lie, I love it but then every day is not always sunny and marrying you means your problem is mine, so, when you can't, I should chip in and even when you can, there is nothing wrong in me chipping in. This is just a phase and I know things will get better, you can go back to throwing money at me but until then, I gat you."

He sighed and removed my hand that was on his head and held it to his chest.

I know I said don't centre your life around a man but this man is the coolness of my eyes and I will do whatever I can to make life easy for him as long as it doesn't involve sharing him with another woman.