Within these walls

Chapter 30

It has been two weeks and a lot has happened but in my head, it feels like the time has not moved from the day we found out to now.

My Dad, he was furious, he couldn't believe we let something that important slip. In his words, "what is the use of your education and exposure if you are not thinking about such things?"

In the last two weeks, I haven't spoken to Jay on the phone. I only saw him once and that didn't end well. I don't want to ever feel the way I felt when I saw him. So, I have taken to avoiding him.

You know how people in love say 'I can't do without you?' I always say that statement was silly but in the course of the last few weeks, I found a deeper meaning to it. I don't think I can't survive without Abduljalal. I mean I lived before him and will most definitely be able to live after him. But I don't want to continue this journey in this jungle called life without him.

And to be honest, the feeling of knowing this person is here but you might not be able to have them to yourself is worse than him not being here at all. At least if we had broken up, I would know I can't have him but this just feels like he is near but far away.

AbdulJalal and I are going for our first doctor's appointment today. My Dad is not in support of it, he thinks what we are considering is a huge risk, we should just go our separate ways and look for other partners.

To be honest, sometimes I want to agree to his suggestion because I feel Jay and I are not thinking clearly and we need someone to help us think in this trying time.

"How are you?" Jay asked after I buckled up.

"I am okay, how are you?"

" I have had better days," he sighed as he reverses out of the house.

We drove to the hospital in a scary silence. It felt like a drive to the slaughterhouse.

"I am not here to judge you but Salima you should have known better. Anyways there are some options and few of them are; opting to not have kids, adoption, IVF, a diagnosis can be carried out for the genes in the eggs before they are fertilized. However, you can still decide to get pregnant the natural way, we can carry out a test to find out the genes and if it is a risky genotype, taking it out is an option. Lastly, one of you can go for a bone marrow transplant to switch from AS to AA," finished the doctor.

I am tired of everyone telling me I should have known better.

"I will send you a detailed email concerning the risk and advantages of the medical options and you can both decide. Although the best thing is to go your separate way because the journey will be tedious except if you decide to go for the bone marrow transplant. The transplant is not without risk too," he ended.

Instead of dropping me back at home, Jay decided to take a detour.

Raising my head from the window seal, I asked: "where are we going?"

"A place to grab something to eat and to talk. You have been avoiding me for weeks Lee and I am going crazy guessing what you might be thinking," he said.

We ended up at a food truck, got food and sat down in his car to talk. Well, he did most of the talking, all I did was eat. I was scared of expressing how I feel because I might end up in tears.

" I have been doing research in the last few weeks and although we have other options, it is risky and also expensive. We were neglectful but there is no need to beat ourselves about it, I think we should even be grateful that the conversation came up sooner than later," he said.

"Uhmm," I said before biting into my burger while looking ahead.

"For me, the best option is to opt-out of having kids," he finished.

I choked on my burger after hearing that statement.

After a few gulps of water and a steady breathe I turned to Abduljalal.

"Don't even think about that. Abduljalal, I want children and if there is anyone that wants them more than I do, it is you. So, opting out of having children is not an option." I finished with anger in my eyes.

"I don't want to do this thing called life without you Lee, I am scared," he said sounding broken.

I have never seen Jay like this, the vulnerability I saw in his eyes propelled my fear. What if there is no way out and maybe we are not meant for each other?