Silverfish

Unpolished Ramblings

I was born with innocence–pure bliss.

But even early into my life the signs of anxiety became prevalent.

I had a sudden rush of fear, like sharp, cold water rushing into my heart.

Why am I afraid?
I didn't understand.

The fear was easily subsided though, with simple confirmations and reassurance. I began to rely on that.

Now I'm inquiring, "What makes me happy?"

Followed by frantic, quick notions, wondering who is really in control, and what is the source of this distrust.

I've somehow convinced myself that I've lost that wonderful control; that reassurance I so desperately depend on.

I needed to move past whatever frozen lake I was attempting to run through.

And that is exhausting too–to constantly tread through those debilitating waters.

I am then limited, another trigger point.

I've easily recognized that feedback loop, the one I've trapped myself in.

Why do I allow myself to sit in stagnancy whenever I need that progression?

Is this self destruction? Or am I incapable of accomplishing my dreams? Am I not made for this?

Another trigger point.

I am deeply consumed by these potential limitations.

I've decided that I cannot allow myself to stay here, but I'm not sure how to get out of it. I'm fighting that terribly frigid current and will come out of it weak and blistered.

But it will be worth it, because on the other side of that frozen lake, I am free.

I have room to grow. I will have a conversation with my maker, and he will tell me that I have passed his test. That I've made it through, already with so much knowledge and power and insight. I've given myself so much to look forward to. I know what to do.

I have everything I could ever need inside of myself. I am not looking for the easy way out. The only way out is through.