Silverfish

New Waves

I waited uncomfortably impatient in front of the atrium window, staring out in front of myself.

The towering honey mesquite and raspberry-pink sky began to blur together into an even flow as I relentlessly watched and waited for him. Every passing car and jogger caused a minor panic attack of nerves in my chest with a terrible lack of control on my end.

Could another person really have this sort of affect on me?

This spastic explosion that starts in my heart of all places and floods down towards the rest of myself was something I definitely wasn't used to yet. Of course I'd felt stressed and near deranged with schoolwork and tests before, but never engendered from another person–especially to this extent.

So I desperately tried to keep myself from constantly checking the clock to make sure he'd be here when he said he'd be here. However, this turned out to be one of the most unrealistic goals I'd ever forced upon myself. It was almost virtually impossible for me to not totally fall into my mind at this point and manipulate and tear away at every possible outcome and idea.

What if he couldn't come? What if he got in an accident on the way here? What if he fucking hates me forever and never wants to see me again?

Everything was up in the air–of course probably not to those extremes–but I was still very much in the unknown. And not knowing things really really bothered the fuck out of me.

Suddenly Gabe was right in front of the door, blindly feeling around for a doorbell that we most definitely did not have. I stepped away from the window and ran my hands through my hair, noticing my irrational anxiety causing involuntary shaking in them.

Why did I have to be like this?

It's because my idiotic self overthinks everything to the point of destruction and ultimate eradication, leaving nothing left but my tattered and dilapidated mind.

Finally he knocks and I force myself to open the door, avoiding eye contact as quickly as possible as an attempt to hide my obvious nerves, "Hey!"

I drew out the "ayee" part of my greeting a bit too long for my preference, something that will patently haunt me or the rest of my life.

He offered me an enthusiastic (and definitely reassuring) smile, "Hey man, are you ready? It starts in like, a few minutes."

"What exactly are we doing?" I ask him, having a terrible time trying to push away the distress.

He turns around and begins to make his way back towards his old jeep, gesturing for me to follow, "You know how you're dead inside and you hate music?"

I roll my eyes, "I don't hate music, I just don't find it necessary. But continue."

He chuckles softly, "Right, necessary. Anyways, I'm taking you to my favorite club to prove to you that music is very necessary and you're for sure missing out."

I groan in mock-annoyance, "Fine."

I reach for the handle of his car and in doing so Gabe quickly swats my hand away, opening the door for me, "I got it."

I feel my entire face heat up instantly, that chagrin making its uncanny appearance, "Thanks."

He grins in response before closing the door behind him, jogging in front of his car to the driver's side like a fucking film. In fact, every aspect of this situation was like a goddamn movie. I still couldn't entirely allow myself to process what the fuck was going on here; it was like everything I had ever hoped for but consequently feared was happening all at once. But despite all of my daunting nerves and self mutilation, I was still here. And unless my mind was playing a terrible trick on myself, it was still very much happening. I was here with a boy I liked, who actually wanted to spend time with me. And why that is, who the fuck knows? But every time he so much as looks back at me, I felt those waves of admiration and acceptance. Something albeit foreign to myself, but also so comforting and solicitous. Something that was beginning to become familiar, and what an equally frightening and exciting existence that is.