Silverfish

Plate

I sit across the ivory linen-set table from you, waiting for conversation to be initiated.

Behind our table the evening sun softly lays against the garden's begonias, illuminating her with that wonderful pink glow. Summer is fading into Autumn, and while I would typically celebrate this long-awaited transition, I find myself feeling a painful loss. A lacking of what once was, what could have been.

Every year I find myself caught in the middle of some awfully reductive cycle of change. Of course I welcome change as if it were necessary for my survival, but this summer holds a different type of transition. I feel a little lost in the chaos of disorientation, and instead of embracing this newness in which I have settled upon, I am faltering. I want to be somewhere else, and I know how to get there, but I just can't yet.

So I guess I'm holding on to Summer like it's my only means of stability–and perhaps it is–until I can find comfort in the golden breath of Autumn, the turning of the leaves.

You lean forwards a little in your chair before clearing your throat, "All of our problems would be solved in society if we simply released ourselves from judgment."

I mentally scoff at this ridiculous statement. I know you don't actually believe this, you just say fatuous things to provoke some type of deep introspection in myself–and it works, almost every time.

"Please expand upon that," I say, delicately demanding indulgence into your mind.

You let out a confident sigh, raising your eyebrows, "Think about it like this–if everyone possessed the ability to fight for themselves, to defend their families and property, we wouldn't need law enforcement near as much as we do now. If we withheld judgement from other people, and just strictly evaluated situations based upon instinct and reaction, we would have far less discriminatory hate crimes."

I roll my eyes at you, "I understand what you're saying, I really do, but have you ever considered that maybe 'human instinct' is engendered in judgement? Sure, I think in contemporary society we hold onto incorrect, somewhat dangerous judgement and apply that to different aspects of life which may or may not be deemed inappropriate, but that being said, the human race's evolution can solely be accredited to judgement. Think back to the prehistoric era, when humans were living in caves; if one caveman saw another cave man eat a poisonous berry and die, he would be, technically, judging the actions of the other caveman to conclude that in order to secure his survival, he should not do what the other caveman did. He should not eat those berries."

You stare back at me, albeit a bit dumbfounded.

I feel a sense of accomplishment wash over me, and for a moment I forget about the future.

You never bring topics like this up to win, you do it to challenge me, I know this. You're not afraid of losing, you're afraid of me failing to unlock my full potential.

I'm getting there, I'm just clouded by my own vices.