Silverfish

Agate

How I have been feeling recently–especially regarding how I have been treating myself–carried me to these sets of actions and oblivious contemplations.

This morning I laid sprawled out across my floor with my eyes closed, forcing uncertainty upon myself with a terrible lack of enthusiasm. My thoughts had been prying at my chest like some vigorous solider, constantly bombarding myself until I had in fact decided on something. Much to my unfortunate surmise I now concluded that I was in fact stalling, and really doing whatever I could to avoid what I had planned for myself prior. So eventually I force myself up off of that dirty carpet and go about my tasks.

A few hours later I follow a small trail winding behind my house. There I found–nothing–but continue to roam about the lot like I had discovered The Answer, another awful waste of time.

I take myself back inside an hour later and head up towards the attic, understanding that all I really ever did when I wasn't doing anything was desperately trying to do something. Although my somethings almost always were nothings, ultimately reminding myself that I in fact was avoiding my very own thoughts that were–just to mention–getting harder to avoid.

Usually by this time of the day I have decided whether or not I was going to ruin my night or stay jovial. Most of the time I ruin it.

But today I've settled on more staring, the evening sky having a way about itself tonight that I just couldn't bring myself to ignore her. Tonight the sky was red, like blood, the dark clouds accumulating right around the horizon, carrying the setting sun away as it brings the night. I remember myself saying this was definitely something I needed to paint. Eventually.

I've had many of those moments though, and an embarrassing lack of paintings to prove it.