Silverfish

Tear Away Planet

Why is this happening to me? Why do I feel this way? Have I always felt this way? Have I been lying to myself?

Certainly not.

It's been like this before. Do I expect too much?

I believe all of this stems from comparison, which is a terrible plight to bestow upon oneself. But I've always done this, so of course it would only make sense if I were to make myself feel this way.

Perhaps I'm just waiting–desperately–to get back to whatever I thought I had.

This has happened before, where I've felt that painful disconnect from them. I used to always think it was my own doing, my own creation, but now I'm not so sure.

And I know it's not about who's right or wrong exactly but it feels so.

I don't know what to do, if I can even do anything at all. I can't tell if it's my fault. I can't fucking tell.

I want to fix whatever I've done wrong so badly, I really do. It hurts so much, it's a burning pain that seeps into my chest and fans out across every aspect of my being. It hurts so fucking bad.

Of course I'm hoping it's my fault and not theirs, because if it's my fault I can at least try to fix it. I'm clinging onto friendship like it's the goddamn answer, and perhaps it is.

I just want to feel happy again. I want to be free of insecurities and worry.

I wonder if they ever feel this way too? I wonder if this really is all my own beguiling creation that I've forced upon myself. And now I'm in this trap, comfortably, waiting until someone else pulls me out.

But that's another thing–I don't want to wait for someone to pull me out. I need them, right now.

I can't just keep loosing friends like I have more to spare, this is it. And I truly love them but I don't think they love me.

I'm so fucking scared.

I can't be alone, it gives me too much control.