him after me || dnf ✓

Chapter 12: Backwards

Everything was fine.

Everything was FUCKING fine.

Of course, it all has to go downhill just when it was getting better it's fucking BULLSHIT. 

-

Clay noticed that George was getting better and offered to take George out for lunch considering he hadn't gone anywhere outside of Clay's property for the last month. I thought it was a good idea, it would be good for George to get out finally and see people other than Clay.

When they left the house I followed closely behind, a spring in my steps because I was almost ecstatic at the thought of how big of a step this was for George, that was until I turned my attention to George noticing the slower pace of his movements and the slight mumbling. No, it wasn't mumbling, he was chewing the inside of his mouth. 

He only did that when he was anxious.

When Clay held the car door open for George, George's chest suddenly began rising and falling quicker, much quicker.

A panic attack maybe? But why?

I watched with my eyebrows furrowed as he made slow steps to the car and sat down. His breathing became even more rapid and his lips parted to allow more air to get in. Clay seemed to fail to notice George's sudden change in behaviour as he closed the door behind George and made his way over to the other side of the vehicle. George started hyperventilating and struggling to open back up the car door while tears coursed down his face. I can't fucking do anything to help. 

When Clay opened his side of the car to sit down, George was already opening his door and running back inside the house and I ran to keep up with him.

-

When George reached his bedroom he collapsed on the bed still gasping for air and uncontrollably sobbing. I reached over to hold him tight and his lack of reaction reminded me about my...situation. An immediate feeling of guilt and disappointment flooded over me as all I could do was sit there and watch him have a panic attack. Clay rushed into the room shortly and placed himself next to George.

"Are you okay George? What happened?" Clay rushed out, concern plastered on his face.

When George only mumbled incoherent words Clay took a moment to take in George's appearance then he finally realised what was happening.

Took him long enough.

"Oh fuck, you're having a panic attack right?" he asked with worry.

George only nodded slightly as he let out breathy sobs.

"Ahh shit okay. Can I hug you or would you prefer not to be touched? My sister liked to be held but for some people, it makes things worse" he asked, still clearly filled with concern.

When George didn't answer Clay spoke up again "Can you stick up 1 finger for hug and 2 fingers for n-" he was interrupted by George raising a single, shaky finger.

Clay immediately rushed closer to George and wrapped his arms around George and held him tightly. George immediately softens in the blond's touch and nuzzled into his chest making Clay's grip tighten. I watch as he crooks his head down to whisper soothing words of reassurance.

I sat on the desk chair, bringing my knees to my chest, watching as Clay held my ex-boyfriend. It hurts that Clay is the one comforting him and not me. It hurts so fucking bad.

I'm only now realising my deep envy and crushing jealousy of Clay, his ability to hold George, his ability to comfort him and even his ability to just talk to him.

"Oliver...he uhm he died from a car crash" George sniffled out, instantly breaking back into a fit of tears. "Holy fuck I'm so sorry I had no clue, I wouldn't have brought you to the car if I had known. I'm so fucking so-"

"Clay, it's okay~ you didn't know... it's okay." George interrupted assuringly.

That's when I knew, we were back to square 1.

-

George hadn't left his room in 2 days and has only eaten an apple and a bite of pizza. I've been watching him cry for the last few hours. It's like all of the progress that we've~ no, he and Clay have made to help George has tumbled down the drain without warning. George wouldn't even go to the library anymore and he went back to climbing to the roof every single night. 

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George's POV

I'm back to feeling like absolute trash. The wind swayed my hair gently, drying my eyes that were already sore and puffy from crying.

When I got into the car the other day it felt like the world was crushing me and I was exploding from the inside out. I didn't know that a car would trigger one of the worst panic attacks I have ever experienced.

It only made things worse when I realised I wouldn't have Oli to hold me like he used to. Normally in my panic attacks, touch would make things a thousand times harder, something to do with sensory issues or whatever but for some reason, Oli would hold me and I would be able to almost instantly calm down and recover in fact, the tighter he held me the safer I felt.

I almost scolded myself when I put up one finger to signal to Clay that it was okay to hug me but his embrace brought me the familiar feeling of tranquillity. It didn't take long for my panic attack to seize.

I suppose over the years of Oliver's help, my body has come to like the feeling.

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