him after me || dnf ✓

Chapter 15: No Regrets

Same day as last chapter, George's POV

His touch, the way his smile gives me butterflies and the way his I could so easily get lost in his eyes.

It's too much, way too much and way too fucking soon.

The love of my life died not 4 months ago yet here I fucking am, falling for someone else.

I can't deny it, I've tried to deny it. Albeit my attempt at resenting my feelings was pathetic but I know my feelings won't go away any time soon.

If Oliver was alive, we would have been having our 2 year anniversary today.

If Oliver was alive, we would be smothering each other in affection.

If Oliver was alive, we w-

He's not alive.

Oliver's dead.

I feel my heartbeat pounding against my ribs, my head spins, vision hazes and my breaths become erratic and quick.

Oli's fucking dead and I'm falling for Clay.

Without thinking, I grab the orange bottle from the bathroom cabinet and make my way to the library, clinging to the walls to keep myself from falling. I barely reach the library when my body falls weak and my back slides down the tall bookshelf. Tears spilled out of my eyes unremittingly and I buried my knees to my chest. 

I felt that my arms were shackled to the floor, I could barely bring the small pill bottle into view. I struggled with the child lock, my tears clouding my vision before I hear Clay call out my name. His footsteps only approached as I pitifully attempted to wipe away the unceasing tears.

-

All I remember was spilling my feelings out like I had no filter. Now that I think about it I never have a filter when I'm around Clay, I feel like I could trust him with my every word.

Clay hadn't left my side since he found me in the library. I'm thankful that he is unaware of my previous attempt of looking for the same demise otherwise I'm sure he would've reacted but differently during the aftermath. 

I can't imagine what Oli would think of me, I'm a fucking mess. 

I bet he would say something like 'move on' but for fucks sake I tried to move on and look where that got me.

The most recent novel I read, 'They Both Die In The End' its quite a good novel, I shed tears for in fact. One thing stuck with me, he chose his own gravestone quote;  'He lived for everyone'. 

I think Oli lived for everyone, he was selfless. He taught me how to love, he taught me how to love and he taught me to live with no regrets.

No regrets.

-

I turned to face Clay on the couch and looked at him, he returned my gaze and smiled slightly. I unintentionally made a silent chuckle to which he raises his eyebrow at

"What's so funny Georgie?" he asks.

"Nothing you're just...cute~," I say, still holding my gaze on his eyes.

His cheeks almost immediately turned crimson and he looked away, flustered.

His lips were half asunder as if he meant to speak. He drew a breath but it came out as a sigh rather than a sentence. I looked down, picking at the hem of my hoodie and then, expecting words from him, looked back up. 

Simultaneously our heads turn to the window as droplets begin to race down the fogged glass. 

"Clay! c'mon it's raining! Let's go outside!" I said, sitting up in excitement

"What? Come on~ you've gotta be kidding me! It'll be freezing!" 

"So? We can warm up after!" I say with a slight smile. My mind is fixed and Clay seems to also know that as he reluctantly follows me to the door. 

-

As the door opens, we are both immediately hit with an overpowering gust of cold wind.

Clay shoots me a look as if to ask if I was sure.

After a slight shrug, I run outside into Clay's front yard. The rain came down heavily and instantly soaked my clothes. They became significantly heavier from being drenched in water but the cold air felt liberating and freeing.

Clay joined me under the rain and took my hand as we spun in circles like idiots. I couldn't help the wide grin that was stubbornly plastered on my face.

"Dance with me, George" without a second thought, I stepped closer to him and laid my head on his chest. We swayed as the melodic rhythm of rain plinking against the house provided us with all the music we needed. 

He pulled away and our eyes met. His hair was in locks from the rain and the raindrops littering his skin made him somehow even more attractive. Something in his eyes seems to change as we continue to lightly rock in sync.

"what?" I question.

"I- I love you, George," he says bluntly.

His expression falters without delay and his eyes widen in regret, matching mine. We both step away from the embrace and he begins to stutter out words that I cant seem to understand

"I'm so sorry George, I'm so fucking sorry I didn't mean it I swear I- I don't know I'm sorry I'm sorry I-" he runs his fingers through his hair in frustration with himself. I notice the years running down his face, standing out from the similar raindrops that were also scattered on him. 

I take a breath before beginning to speak, 

"Are you sorry for loving me, or are you sorry that I found out?" I ask him, a solitary tear falls down my cheek.

His eyebrows furrow in confusion "wha-?"

"Clay...I have lived long enough to know that what Oliver and I had, I can't replicate with another. Our love was boundless and may forever be infinite..."

His head drops and nods in understanding, his lips part to speak but I manage to interrupt before he can.

"But I also know that the love I have for you, the love that we share~ is just as powerful and means just as much to me. When I see you, it's as if space and time become the finest point imaginable as if time collapses into one tiny speck and explodes at light speed."

I can't help the pause I take to let out a light sob, "It's as if my universe begins and ends with you. I could run forever, search forever, but in the end; every path leads right back to you."

My hands take his face, cold from the relentless rain. I stepped closer to him and glide my hand to his chin. I lift myself up on my tippy toes so I'm met directly in front of him. My lips brushed against his, delicately, like butterfly wings. 

At the same time, we leaned into each other. Our lips collided and fit perfectly. The warmth of his lips and the longing of this moment only deepens the kiss.

Clay pulls away first, his touch lingers on my lips and the taste of honey leaves a remaining mark before being washed away by the rain.

"What does this mean?" he asks uncertainly, lips still parted from moments before.

"I love you too."

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