him after me || dnf ✓

Chapter 16: Fading

The last chapter and then there will be an epilogue <3

Buckle up...this is one hell of a chapter

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Somehow I feel even emptier. 

My heart feels heavy and I feel like I'm drowning. 

I stare at the empty mirror in front of me and I dig through my memories and my thoughts, yet I can't find myself. I can't remember what I look like or even what colours my eyes were.

I'm losing myself.

I saw the picture of me and George that's in his wallet, it took me 10 minutes to realise that was me. I don't recognise myself and I can feel the memories slipping away. No matter how much I scathe at my mind and pull at my hair, the memories are gone. All I can clearly recall is what has happened since I've died and the stories that George used to reminisce on when he sat on the roof. 

I feel brittle, like glass almost. Like a long, deep crack has forced its way into the pane of my existence; or lack of existence more so and every day that passes, more and more webs fracture their way through it.

I don't remember what it's like, the warmth of touch. 

The feeling I get when lips collide with mine and the butterflies that used to fly freely in my stomach when George was around are now trapped in a cage of my own body. 

Since that night of their kiss, I've felt distant. Not from George, but from myself.

I think I'm reaching the end of my line, that complete death is reaping its way closer by the second.

-

I put myself next to George and Clay, my hand resting on George's. The wind of the night howls as I sway my legs off the roof's ledge and gaze at the stars.

I remember it, the solitary pink star. But it's no longer as bright, no longer as rosy and much less evident. 

George is also staring at the same star, Clay's gaze is fixed on George. 

When I look into his eyes, I see the same love and passion but this time I wasn't in the reflection, Clay was.

They say that you'll no longer feel pain and that you'll be free when you pass on but that's simply not true. I felt everything, watching him with you.

I watched as they made eye contact, gazing into each other's souls.

I watched my other half become whole again but with another. 

And George smiled, he smiled in a way he never smiled with me and even if he wasn't smiling at me, after all this time he still did so I smiled too.

I smiled because he'd have so many memories to tell me once I see him again.

And I smiled because I realised that the purpose of my death was for George's life to begin. But to begin with Clay's. 

I felt something hit my skin. I gasped at the wind that was flowing through my hair, a feeling that I never thought I would feel again. I brought my hand into view and noticed something. The wind was taking me with it.

I watched as the breeze pulled away parts of me that disintegrated in the air.

I suppose this is it, for a final time I'm leaving. Where I'm going is a mystery but I would presume to the afterlife. I guess it's really true, that you won't fully pass on until you don't have 'unfinished business.'

My unfinished business was George's happiness. I was just a part of his story~ but George was all of mine. I was his past, Clay is his present.

All beginnings have an end. I'm just glad that George's was a happy ending.

George and I were never supposed to have a happy ending, it simply wasn't 'ours', just his.

I'll always be his even if he's not mine.

Its fate, destiny you could say, it has always been him after me.