Scars [Ashton Irwin]

Chapter Four

CHAPTER FOUR:

I was lying on my bed, having curled myself into a tight ball and starring off into space. I was sat in complete silence, but it was so loud in my head, I thought that I would explode at any given moment. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted nothing more than to numb the never ending pain in my chest. I was remembering it all. The images of my past were so vivid, I could still remember the feeling of the air on my skin; the direction of the wind current. The guilt was the worst. Worse than the pain.

"You guys need to leave." I heard Kellin tell Ashton and Cassidy right outside of my closed bedroom door.

"Is she okay?" Ashton inquired, evidence of concern found in his voice.

"Not right now, no." Kellin told them truthfully.

"Can we see her?" Cassidy asked hopefully.

"I think she'd rather be alone right now." He explained. "I'm sure she'll call or text when she's feeling okay. But right now, she really just wants to be alone."

"Was it something we said, or-" Cassidy began to question, but she was quickly cut off by Kellin.

"She's been through a lot. You guys don't really know what life has been like for her. You've only just known her for like two seconds, and that doesn't mean that you know her. Its great that she finally has friends and you guys are concerned, but you really need to leave."

"We understand." I heard Ashton mumble. I heard nothing after that and concluded that they had left. My suspicions were confirmed to be true when I heard them walk down the stairs, and later I heard Ashton's car drive off. I know it was wrong, but I felt kind of relieved that they were gone now. I buried my face deeper into my pillow, and hoped that it would swallow me whole.

Kellin knocked lightly on my door before entering. "They're gone." He informed me, and I only nodded in response.

"What's going on, Kenzie? I thought you were getting better." He wondered, sitting on the bed beside me and brushing my hair with his fingers. I did not respond. I only listened to my heartbeat, and tried to shut off my thoughts. "Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"Please." I said hoarsely, my voice muffled by the pillow. He squeezed my shoulder, before I heard and felt him get up and leave the room. I liked that he understood when I needed to be alone.

After Kellin had left, I took a moment, before I got up to search the room for my iPod. Once I had found the device, I put on my earphones and scrolled down to my Nirvana playlist. I pressed play and put the volume on maximum as I lay back on my bed. Kurt Cobain's passionate vocals soothed me, and I felt like I could finally breath again. I guess that was why I considered Nirvana to be my favourite band. Their music had a way of making me feel less shitty about life. I eventually fell asleep listening to Heart-Shaped Box, my personal favorite.

* * *

It was time for dinner when I woke up. Nirvana was still playing through my earphones when I got up and headed down the stairs for dinner, not bothering to turn the music off. The delicious smell of macaroni and cheese filled my nasal cavities, and I found myself needing to stop myself from drooling. It was then that I realised that I really hadn't eaten much at all that day. I was extremely hungry, almost to the point of starving. Mom was dishing and Kellin was having a glass of water when I finally walked into the kitchen. I sat down beside Kellin, and mom handed me a plate of food. I thanked her, before she took her seat across from Kellin and I.

We ate in silence. Nothing was said, except for "pass the salt" and "dinner was good mom, thanks". Dinner in my house was depressing, to say the least. There really wasn't much for us to say to each other. Kellin and I had a really strong relationship, but we barely ever talk to our mother. It hadn't always been that way. In fact, mom and I used to be best friends. But, when things started to fall apart, I found myself distancing myself from the woman who had given me life.