Scars [Ashton Irwin]

Chapter Seventeen

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN:

Two months later ...

Ashton's POV

Kissing Brenda was not nearly the same as kissing McKenzie. She may have looked a lot like her, but she was nothing like her. She had an annoying laugh, had no passions and had no clue who Jimmy Page was. She wasn't in love with music. She wasn't in love with art. She wasn't McKenzie. I needed McKenzie.

As I kissed her and she ran her hands down my torso, I pictured McKenzie. Sex was just that with her. It was sex. There was no love. No passion. I didn't love her. She dug her manicured nails into my skin and clawed down my bare back as I roughly pushed in and out of her. She moaned my name, and I so badly wanted her to shut up, because it only reminded me that she was not McKenzie. I needed McKenzie.

"You should go." I said, tugging on a pair of grey sweatpants.

"You don't want me to stay?" She asked, her face falling. It sounded cruel, but I felt nothing when she did that.

"Our flight is early tomorrow morning." I muttered. That wasn't why I wanted her to leave. I just wanted her to go.

"So, will I see you again?" She asked, pulling on her clothing, and I avoided looking at her naked body.

"Probably not." I said honestly. I might not have cared much for her, but I didn't want it to seem like I had used her. But that was what I had done. She was only a distraction. She said nothing after that, and I was grateful. I knew that I had hurt her feelings, and I should have felt bad for it. But it didn't affect me.

Once she had left the hotel room, I put my head in my hands. What was I doing? How could I do this to her? I could still see her being carried by Kellin that morning. I could still see the blood on her pink Hello Kitty pajamas. She had broken her promise.

I tugged at the roots of my hair in frustration, trying to rid my mind of images of that morning. I wanted to scream. I picked up the lamp that sat on the bedside table and slammed it against the wall. This time, I did scream. I was angry. Angry at myself for not being there for her, and angry at her for doing this to me.

Life seemed colourless. I did what I had to do. I got on the aeroplanes, I took pictures with fans, got onto the stage, performed well for the crowds, took more pictures with fans. But at the end of it all, I was alone. Alone in a cold hotel room, pulling my hair out in frustration, and nobody was there for me. Luke, Calum and Michael were trying to help, but it wasn't working. They didn't know what to do when I was turning into a complete psychopath.

I needed McKenzie ..

* * *

McKenzie's POV

It had been the worst two months of my life. I could still hear his last words to me before he walked out of that hospital room. "You need to get help, McKenzie." He had said, and that was the last that I had seen of him.

"How are you feeling today?" Doctor Jacobs asked me. She was a frail little woman with rectangular shaped glasses, and dirty blond hair that was beginning to gray.

"Fine." I mumbled. That was what I said everyday for the last two months. But I was not fine. How could I be fine without Ashton? I hadn't seen much of Kellin either, because he was now in America for the Vans Warped Tour. I still couldn't understand why they were keeping me here.

"Anything that you would like to talk about?" She asked. I shook my head while fiddling with the wristband that had my hospital number on it. I felt like a prisoner. "Have you had any ...suicidal thoughts lately? Any urges to harm yourself?"

Who wouldn't want to kill themselves after being stuck in this hell hole for two months? I was a prisoner. That was exactly what I was. I had a doctor or a nurse constantly watching over me at all times of the day. I had to be accompanied by someone when I wanted to use the bathroom, because they feared that I might try to do something to myself. I had to speak to a psychologist every single day, and my mother had been temporarily banned from visiting after she had come here with Mark, and I flipped out. I received calls from Kellin at least twice every week, which a nurse would usually listen in on incase he said something that might be triggering. But I was glad that the bandages that were on my wrists had now been removed.

"I just want to go home." I answered Doctor Jacobs.

"You will be allowed to go home in a week." She informed me, and I couldn't even get excited about that. "But you will still need to come in and see me twice a week, and take your medication regularly."

"You make me sound like a nut job." I mumbled.

"I didn't mean to offend you." I hated how everyone spoke to me as if I was a thin piece of glass. Everyone was always apologising, and it was starting to freak me out. The white walls, the disgusting hospital smell, the constant apologies and all the questions. I hated it. But what I hated the most was not being able to see Ashton. And it hurt because it seemed like he hadn't even tried to contact me and find out how I was doing. Suddenly I was in tears.

"What is it?" Doctor Jacobs asked. I hardly spoke about Ashton during our sessions. I avoided speaking about him, and she avoided it as well.

"I just ...I thought that he would want to know if I was getting any better." I sobbed, and she immediately understood that I was talking about Ashton. "But he hasn't even tried to contact me."

"How would you know that?" She asked, and I wanted to throw a knife at her.

"The only calls that I get are from Kellin. Not one of them have been from Ashton. I thought he cared."

"Maybe he just thinks that you need your space." She offered.

"But I need him." I cried.

"You love him, don't you?" She asked, and I wasn't sure how to answer that. I hadn't really thought of that. But the answer was starring me right in the face. I loved him. I loved Ashton.

"I guess I do. I guess I really do."

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★

Author's Note

Heyy ..

Uh, I don't know. This story just happens. It literally has a mind of its own.

But that's okay. Please vote? Pretty please. I will love you forever if you do, and I bet Ashton will too.

And I would also like to say a huge thank you to @PenguinRanger21 who votes and comments on all chapters. You honestly deserve your own personal 5SOS!

xxx McRee Black