Scars [Ashton Irwin]

Chapter Sixteen

TRIGGER WARNING!!!

CHAPTER SIXTEEN:

I woke up, but I wish I hadn't. This is all in my head, right? My arms and legs are completely separated from my will and my want to move forward. The lights are on, and the room is completely lit up, but for some reason I can't see a thing. I don't even want to be here. Within an amount of four hours of sleep, I am numb.

At the beginning of yesterday, I was high on happiness. Yesterday, I wanted to see today. Today I want nothing. No passions. What is passion? Am I fucking insane? I have to be fucking insane.

Within five minutes of this twenty-four hour day, I have already asked myself more questions than I have asked in the last year of my life. I feel ageless. I feel lost. Actually, not even lost. Because, if I was lost, that would mean that I existed. Which I don't. Wait, do I? Yesterday I did. Or did I?

I reached for my blade that sat in my top drawer. Without hesitation, I pressed the sharp metal into my skin and dragged it across my wrist. The blood immediately began gushing right out of the self inflicted wound, reminding me that I was alive. My tears blurred my vision as I made another cut, deeper than the last. I was now furious. Angry at myself. Angry at the world. Angry at dad. Angry at mom. Just angry.

The blood on the sheets didn't seem to bother me as I kept cutting. Blood. Blood everywhere. I thought of Ashton, and the promise that I had made to stop cutting. It only made me angrier, and I made another cut, deeper than the last. Jace's face came into my mind, and I wanted to scream in frustration. I made another cut.

The memory of dad ...dad touching me. I was fifteen, and he was touching me. Touching me everywhere. My growing breasts, my woman part, my butt. I could still feel his hands on me. The creepy smile on his face. And the way that he just kept touching me. Stripping me naked. I was fifteen. I was only fucking fifteen when he rubbed my lady part. I didn't want him to touch me. I wanted him to stop.

"Daddy, please stop." I cried.

"Shh, Princess. Daddy is not going to hurt you."

But he did hurt me. He hurt my heart and my mind. I loved him, but god I hated him for what he had done. For how he just kept touching me, even when I begged him to stop. Why didn't Kellin stop him if he knew what was going on? He could have called somebody. He could have stopped it. He was nineteen. He should have known that something wasn't right.

I gave myself to Jace, because I felt worthless and dirty after what dad had done. My body no longer had value. It was no longer precious like mom would always say. But I still loved him, and I still kept our secret. I hated myself for not being able to hate him. For crying when I learned that he had shot himself in the fucking head. God, I hated him for what he did to mom. For what he did to Kellin.

I had decided then that maybe I should end it. Right here. Right now. I was sick of the haunting images of Jace. The memories of that day. The nightmares. The pain. The constant fear. The anxiety attacks. The depression. The fighting. The people. Sick of the memories. Sick of breathing.

It doesn't get better.

I held on for so long, but I couldn't anymore. I wanted to stay for Kellin. For mom. For Ashton. But I realised that he deserved so much more than this damaged, self loathing girl who was a ticking time bomb. He would never love me if I couldn't even love myself. I wasn't worth his time. He deserved so much more than this.

The blood was everywhere, and I didn't care. My head began spinning, and I wondered if I would ever see tomorrow. But I didn't want to see tomorrow. I never wanted to walk again. Never wanted to breath again, because breathing hurt so much.

But I couldn't just leave him. I needed to say something. I needed to apologise for this. He needed to move on after I was gone. He needed to find a nicer girl who wasn't completely screwed up like I was.

To: Ashton
I'm sorry..

I pulled up my Nirvana playlist, and clicked on shuffle. The beginning chords of All Apologies filled my room, as I slowly began slipping from consciousness. Kurt's passionate vocals were coaxing me to leave my body. It was now okay to let go. I would be free after this. How amazing it is to feel all of the pain all at once, and then never again.

* * *
Kellin's POV

Where was she? She was usually up by this time. But then I thought of earlier this morning, and I realised that I didn't even want to get out of bed. The music coming from her bedroom told me that she was up. I decided to stay put, and not move an inch.

But something didn't feel right.

* * *
"Kellin!" I was awoken by mother screaming. I hadn't even realised that I had dozed off until then. "Kellin!" She repeated, barging into my bedroom then. She was hysterical, and I immediately shot up in bed.

"Mom? What is it?" I asked.

"M-McK-Kenzie." She sobbed.

"What is wrong with McKenzie?" I asked cautiously.

"There's blood everywhere." She cried.

"Blood? What?" I wanted to ask, but I didn't know how. I couldn't find the words. I leaped out of bed, and ran to my younger sisters bedroom. It was as though everything was in slow motion. My heart pounding against my chest almost simultaneously with my feet pounding the ground. My mind was racing, and I was getting dizzy. I couldn't think, but I knew that I needed to get to her.

The door was left open by mother, so I only walked in to see the horror that had mother in hysterics. But I was not prepared for what I was to see. What I saw on the other side of that wall was horrifying. Absolutely heart stopping.

It could have been anything else. Anything, but this. It couldn't be real. I refused to believe that it was real. I was horrified by the sight in front of me. Almost driven insane by it. It couldn't be. She would never ...no. It had to be a dream. It just had to be.

Or maybe it was a prank. A twisted prank that she was playing on us. Anything but this. This couldn't be real. I couldn't allow for it to be real. It had to be a nightmare. Please, no. It couldn't be.

She is dead, I thought. My sister is dead.

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★

Author's Note

Is this the end?

Vote, vote, vote and we'll see!

I think Ashton is going to need your fingers right about now, because his girlfriend might be dead.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to say this at the beginning of the story, but if you are sensitive to such ...content, you might find this story a bit heavy, because I do deal with topics such as rape, self harm, suicide and such. Sorry if this maybe upset anyone.

Please vote, and then we can find out if McKenzie is dead or not. Nah, I don't think she's dead.

Or she could be.

What if she isn't the main character, and I needed to kill her off in order to introduce you to the real main character? I don't know. My head is totally screwed up. We never know.

Vote, vote, vote!

xxx McRee Black