Scars [Ashton Irwin]

Chapter Twenty-Nine

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE:

Sometimes, it was okay to cry. Or maybe we convinced ourselves that it was, because there was no greater comfort. But what if your soul was bleeding? What if you could hear your heart screaming? Then was it okay to cry?

The next morning was cold and wet. I looked out my window in hopes that  I would see the sun, but I instead saw a representation of what I felt inside. A heavy blanket of clouds hid the sun and cried with me. The weather was too heavy for me. Too gray. Too sad. Too wet.

The pain that I felt was hard to put to words. I wanted to take out my heart and massage it in hopes that it might soothe the pain. Every beat felt more painful than the last, and breathing became a battle. I would never run out of tears, I thought. They just kept coming.

I had come to the decision that I would not be leaving the comfort of my bed. I wouldn't be able to stand on my own two feet after yesterday's events. So maybe I was being a tad bit over dramatic. But I can assure you that you would feel just as crushed and beaten down as I felt after having said goodbye to him.

Mother came to my door, knocking gently, but I would not let her in. I refused to eat whatever meal she had prepared. I wanted nothing. I wanted to cry and get used to the pain in my chest. I had a feeling that I wouldn't get used to it.

"Kenzie, you need to eat." Mother pleaded through the door. I did not respond. "I made your favorite. Chocolate chipped pancakes." She sang, and I struggled to smile through my tears.

"Come in." I croaked. Mom entered, the smell of fresh pancakes immediately filling my room. She set the tray on my bedside, and I thought back to when he had made me pancakes on my birthday. I couldn't keep myself from disappearing into a great big puddle of tears.

"Oh, honey." Mother soothed, rubbing my back. She said nothing else, because she knew that I wouldn't want her to. She only sat there, rubbing my back while I cried over a boy.

"I hate him, mom." I cried. I, of course, didn't mean that, otherwise I wouldn't have been in this position. But I hated him for hurting me, and for leaving me after promising that he never would. After smashing my heart into a million tiny pieces, I still loved him with every broken piece. That was what love was. Love was stupid.

* * *

Ashton's POV

Everything was numb. But not a comfortable numb, a painful numb. There was a dull ache in my chest that no amount of alcohol could take away. It had been three days since our break up, and I still refused to speak to anyone about it. I avoided Calum, Luke and Michael.  I especially didn't want to see Dani.

My twitter blew up a day ago after the pictures of McKenzie and I were leaked. I couldn't bring myself to answer any questions about it, and I appreciated that the rest of the band was also ignoring it. But Dani was constantly calling and leaving messages about making a statement. A statement that I did not want to make.

On several occasions, Anne was forced to turn away my bandmates and best friends who had come to see how I was doing. I only left the house for the bar, returning home in the early hours of the morning, unable to stand on my own two feet. I drank alone, and cried alone.

Everything I did seemed to remind me of Kenzie. I couldn't listen to any of my music, because almost every song made me think of her. It wasn't the lyrics, it was the beat and the voice in the song. I missed the nights when we would stay up talking about music. I missed how the music took over her mind, body and soul.

"Ashton, that's enough." Anne said, storming into my bedroom on the fourth morning after the break up. I was curled up in my bed, my head pounding. I did not turn to look at her, but only waited for her to speak. "You can't keep going on like this. I will not allow it." She went on, but I still refused to show any sign of life. She would leave me be if I did not entertain her. I was not in the mood for a lecture. "I understand that you have strong feelings for her, but how long will you go on like this? You'll be back on tour in a month, you should be focused on family and recording the new album."

"I love her, mom." I murmured and she sighed, taking a seat beside me on the bed. "Is Dani even allowed to do this?" I wondered, finally sitting up.

"I don't know, honey." She answered honestly. "But I think that if you truly love her, you would have fought for her."

"That doesn't make me feel any better." I mumbled, looking away from her.

"Sorry." She sighed. "It will get better, I promise you. Just hang in there. Don't ruin yourself with alcohol over a girl."

I was once again left alone in my room. I lay back down and thought about what Anne had just said, and realised that she was right. I needed to focus on what was important right now, and that was writing and starting on recording the new album. If I threw myself into our music, I would forget all about McKenzie and it wouldn't hurt so much that I can't call her mine anymore.

I got out of bed and got a notepad and pen. If I had to suffer through heartbreak, I might as well turn it into a song. I started writing, but got stuck in the middle and decided to call Calum over. This was the end of the mourning period for our relationship. I needed to move on. We broke up because of our music, so I would turn the break up into music.

Later that day, I called Dani back and agreed to make a statement about the leaked pictures of my ex girlfriend and I. It pained me that I would have to lie about ever being involved with her, but I knew I had to do it. I couldn't bring myself to go on twitter that night, there had been enough moving on for one day.

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Author's Note

I didn't proof read this, because I got lazy. Sorry if there were any weird mistakes. .

Please vote. I'll love you forever if you do..

xxx McRee Black