Flashes And Palettes | 𝘈𝘳𝘶𝘈𝘯𝘪

39. Falling Apart

Days passed. Armin has been accepting a lot of work and has been drinking a lot. He does it alone most of the time but sometimes, he drinks with Eren. I really want to scold him and shout at him but I just can't. I have a lot in mind to even care about him, drinking everyday.

He doesn't even get to visit Astra anymore. Everyday, he'll be too tired to stand up. He experiences hangovers and is in too much pain to drive to the hospital. He has changed. A lot. First, he doesn't drink everyday before. But now? He always come home to me, drunk. Second, he cares about Astra a lot before. And now, he doesn't even visit her. And last, his temper is more uncontrollable now that leads to fights.

"Armin, won't you visit Astra today?" I asked as I try to wake him up.

"I am too tired." He groaned.

"You know what? You'll die with that lifestyle! You drown yourself in work, you drink everyday, and don't even eat properly! Are you killing yourself? Atleast put your shit together for Astra Maeve! Goddamn, Armin. You are a grown-up now. You are a father now." I shut the door. I am so frustrated, to be honest.

What do I do if my strength is slowly changing?

~ • ~

"You look like you had a bad day." Jaedon said and sat in front of me. "You also look very tired. I think you should go home. You have to rest. I am sure that Astra will understand if you'll spend a day off." He smiled and handed me a cup.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Coffee. Duh?" He chuckled.

"I know. But I mean, what is this for?" I asked again.

"You've been a really great Mom to Astra, a wonderful fiancee to Armin, and a good lunch and dinner companion to me. You deserve some coffee after your restless days." He explained. I nodded and thanked him with a smile. I took a sip and let out a sigh of relief as I feel the warmth of it.

"I needed this." I smiled again.

"You sure do." Jaedon said. He is a really kind man. He is also a nice doctor to my daughter. "You know? You might be allowed to---", he was cut off when my phone suddenly rang. I checked it and saw that it was Armin.

"I have to answer this." I said and excused myself. I went outside and answered the phone call.

"Annie." I turned around and saw Armin. My eyes widened. I don't know why though. Is it because of the fact that he's finally visiting Astra or is it because of the fact that he looks really mad? I haven't seen him this mad. I mean, his temper has been uncontrollable these days but this is the maddest he's ever been! I was shocked when he suddenly walked away so I followed him.

"Hey, Min." I called him but he didn't turn around. My eyes were focused on him and I am so busy calling his name that I didn't notice we're already at the parking lot. What is wrong with him? Just, what happened to him? Is the alcohol getting into his brain? He is so mad. I swear. He got into his car and so I followed him inside. "Just what the hell is wrong with you?" I asked.

"What's wrong with me? Let's pretend that I didn't see you flirting with Astra's doctor." He said sarcastically. I laughed in a sarcastic manner too. He's not the only one who is allowed to be sarcastic.

"Flirting? Jaedon is my friend." I answered. "I can't blame you if you're that close-minded. And says someone who kisses another woman while he's in a relationship. Shame on you, Arlert." I rolled my eyes. He's not allowed to tell me that I am flirting with another man when he literally made out with another woman.

"I thought we're done with that?" He asked like he can't believe me.

"You think it's easy to forget? Of course for you it is because you weren't the one who was cheated on. You weren't the one who had to witness something so painful. I was. Let's say that you didn't want it. But does it change the fact that I still caught you locking lips with her when you always tell me that I shouldn't worry?" Damn these tears. They are falling again.

"You are the only source of strength I have right now, Min." I looked down and kept crying. "You are the only one I can hold on to. So what am I supposed to do when my only strength and I are falling apart? So please, Armin. Pull your life together. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for Astra. Because right now? My whole world is crumbling already but I am still trying to stay strong for her. I am alive but it feels like I am not living at all. I am dead inside."

"Annie. I am sorry." Just by his voice, I know that he is crying already.

"And how is that apology different from all your other apologies before?" I wiped my tears and looked at him. I took a deep breath and left his car. A part of me is wishing for him to grab me like last time and hug me tight. But a part of me wants him to stay away.

And I am glad, the latter happened.

~ • ~

"Hey are you okay?" Jaedon asked and I nodded. "As I was saying, you can actually spend time with Astra Maeve now. Do you want me to accompany you?"

"Really? Like right now?" I asked.

"Yes." He smiled. We went to the NICU but before I entered, he spoke. "But first, you have to wear an isolation gown, gloves, shoe covers, and mask." And so I did. He also wore the things he mentioned. I also sanitized my hands before putting on gloves. I want to be extra clean to prevent harm for Astra. He opened the door and we entered the NICU. We sat beside Astra's incubator and started observing her.

"Can I touch her?" I asked when I noticed that there is a hole in the incubator.

"Sure." He smiled. I inserted my finger and held her little hand. When she wrapped her hand around my finger, it felt like my dead body came to life. My heart bounced with joy. And I let the tears of happiness flow.

"She's holding me." I looked at Jaedon and we both laughed. "And she's smiling too." I said when I noticed her lips curve up a little.

"She knows it's her Mommy who loves her dearly." Jaedon said.

"You don't know how much Mommy loves you, Astra. I love you so much. More than I can ever love anyone." I said as let her hold on to me.

This is the happiest I've been these days.

~ • ~

That night I came home, Armin was not around. I did my usual night routine and went to bed. I closed the lights and dozed off to sleep.

However, that sleep was disturbed by Armin's kisses from my forehead to my neck. "Goodnight, I love you." He said and took his pillow. When I heard the door shut, that's when I opened my eyes.

Are things changing?

~ • ~

Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed this chapter.