Flashes And Palettes | 𝘈𝘳𝘶𝘈𝘯𝘪

49. Counselling

"How are you doing Annie?" Hange, my therapist, asked. It is my first counselling today. Armin decided to hire someone close to him as my therapist. At first, I didn't wanna do it but I know it would be best for me. I want to help myself. I want to be okay. So instead of leaving Armin, I will be consistent in having therapies.

"I am fine. Really fine." I smiled.

"You know your condition won't improve if you keep lying to yourself. You have to be honest in order to get through things. You won't move forward if you keep on pretending." They told me in a soft tone. My smile dropped and I looked at them.

"I am not doing better at all." When they heard my answer, they sighed and put their hands on their lap. "Each day I become worse. Armin wants us to get married eight months after I give birth but I don't think I will be ready when that time comes. I mean I was ready but after everything that happened? I don't think I can get married." I admitted. It's true. I don't want to get married at this state.

"You are just twenty-six and you are not fine. You have a lifetime to get married and to heal. I am sure Armin will understand if you want to postpone the wedding for now." I am not ready to hurt Armin. I do not want to disappoint him again. That's the last thing I want to do. "A penny for your thoughts?" They asked.

"What if I disappoint him? What if I hurt him?" I asked.

"He will be disappointed and a little hurt but he will understand. It is better to postpone the wedding than regret doing the wedding at all. Postponing it doesn't mean you are breaking it off. You just have to delay but it will still happen. You don't always have to do things for people especially if it is against your will." They explained. "Annie, do you mind telling me what are the things that Armin has done that hurt you?"

"He chose another girl over me a couple of times. He kissed her too. He left me alone after an intimate moment to go to her. I mean, it was also my fault. I let that girl stay in our house for a while that's why the kissing thing happened." I bit my lower lip trying to stop myself from crying. I mean, it was really my fault.

"How did you react to those things?" Hange asked and paid more attention to me.

"I forgave him and tried my best to understand him. I forgot everything that he did wrong and stayed with him." I answered truthfully.

"You understood him even if he did a lot of bad things that pierced through your heart. If you managed to understand him during those times, then what makes you think he won't understand you?" Realization dawned upon me. If I was able to keep up with the things he did, I am sure he will be able to accept my decision.

"I don't know. I don't really know." I answered. I was born to be a people pleaser. I pleased my Mom by being a good daughter with the manners of a lady from the 1950s. I pleased my Dad by doing my best in my trainings no matter how many bruises I get. I lowkey pleased people by staying in the shadows for six years. I pleased Armin by not interfering with his decisions even though they hurt me. I tried to please everyone around me. But was I able to please the one who mattered most? Was I able to really complete myself?

"Annie, you have to start thinking about yourself in the decisions you make. Like in postponing the wedding. What if you continued and you end up regretting it? Isn't that worse than delaying it for some time? Instead of thinking what you will feel, you thought about someone else." I looked at them and took a deep breath. "I want you to work on that, Annie." They said and I nodded.

"I will. I promise."

"I will help you get through that." They smiled. "Are you ready to talk about the night you tried drowning yourself? I am not rushing you, dear."

"I am ready." I answered with a hint of doubt. But this is the point of the counselling right? If I don't face this now, when will I do it?

"How long has it been?" They asked. I recalled the days and counted on my fingers.

"It has been ten days." I told them. It has been ten days. It has been so long. I can't believe it. Armin has been very, very alert for ten days.

"How did you feel after doing it?" They asked again.

"Guilty, but I did it because I was tired. I don't know what to do anymore. I didn't think that life is still worth living after my daughters' death. At that point, I just want to die. What is the point of staying here, right? When the only one you want is gone." My tears gushed out of my eyes as I say all of the things I have been wanting to tell everyone. "I thought I was ready but when I saw and heard Armin crying, that readiness to die faded away. I wasn't really ready, after all." I admitted. 

"Annie, it isn't true that you only have to focus on the present because you also have to consider the future. In your case, you decided upon your current situation but you never thought about the possible great things that you might miss out. You were so immersed in your daughters' death. You thought that you won't ever recover. And now you are regretting it. What if Armin hadn't saved you on time? Annie, this also applies to the situation you are in right now about the wedding. Think about the present but you have to also consider the future." I wiped my tears and nodded, agreeing to their statement. "In making decisions, you have a lot more to consider than you thought."

The counselling went on for an hour and a half. Hange told me to start writing on a diary and I should start being vocal about my feelings. I have a counselling on Friday too. And here I am, sitting on the passenger seat of Armin's car while eating donuts. 

"How was it?" He asked and smiled.

"Hange was very helpful. They also gave me a lot of advices." I answered, wiping the chocolate on the corner of my lips with a paper towel.

"Hmm? Like what?" 

"Like being vocal about my feelings." He looked at me and I looked down.

"Are you not telling me something?" Armin asked me with a worried tone. This is the first step to improving, right? He will get more hurt if I keep this longer.

"I want to postpone the wedding. Like, not this year, not in eight months like how you want it. I am just not---", I was cut off with his laugh. "Why?" I asked.

"I was thinking about postponing it too for a while. I know you are not ready after everything that happened. We have a lifetime to get married so I don't want to rush you when I can wait for you forever." My heart softened and its beating became normal again. "Why were you panicking about it? Did you think I wouldn't understand you?" Armin asked and chuckled. When I didn't answer, he stopped chuckling. "You really thought?"

"Maybe?" 

"Oh my god. I am sorry for making you feel that way, schatz." He's not mad? I thought he would tell me I am dramatic or paranoid! "Don't think that I would not understand you because I will always do. I am glad you told me. You didn't keep your feelings to yourself and I am proud of you for that. Promise me that if you have worries, you'll tell me instantly."

"I promise." 

~ • ~

Put in the safe, AruAni endgame.