Stuck in Between / BlindChannel

11. Big black coffee you pervs..

A/N: So I am back from my vacation and I am so so sorry that I had to let you guys to hang like this for such a long time, but here I am again :) And OMG I did not expect to see 2.1K reads or the #1 on BlindChannel... wow.. Thank you, thank you!!! This chapter was originally way shorter but I got an idea to write it a bit longer during my vacation but because I didn't have my laptop with me I wrote some parts with my phoe and ohgosh how I hated doing it.. But I got an inspiration there so you gotta do what you gotta do. Anyway. Have fun :)

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The following week after the over dramatic Sunday evening chat with Joel and therapy with Joonas was hard. Even tho both, me and Joel, tried to act as normal as possible while working, the air was still so fucking tense between us that just to walk past each other we had to literally cut our way through it. Joonas of course noticed it and I think that thanks to him it was even somehow possible to handle the situation because he kept Joel busy most of the time so I didn't have to deal with him at work at least. I spoke to him only if I really had to but I rather found myself some other things to do that didn't need to be discussed with anybody so I could just keep killing my brain cells alone. And if there was something I threw it into our group chat. I also wore some stupid hoodie with a huge eagle on it at work just because Joel was scared of birds so maybe that would keep him away from me also. Yes, I can be an ass aswell.

I was still hating the situation but Joel seemed to enjoy it. When ever we were done for the day and gone home, he'd continue mind fucking me every now and then. He shared me songs from Spotify that were about lost love or something like that, he would write me stuff but then removed it so I had really no idea what he said. He was acting like a total bastard but he still managed to make me feel guilty, he was really that good at it. And thinking about the situation kept me up most of the nights.

During that week me and Aleksi didn't have too much time to spend together, expect the weekend. We decided just to stay at his place, watch movies and relax and well, enjoy each others company of course, because we kept very low profile at the studio. While I was with him I did my best not to think about the Joel-situation but I knew Aleksi had noticed that I was a bit off but he didn't ask about it and I appreciated it. I did not want to discuss about it with him yet because I was still hoping that Joel would just let it be and move on. Or at least let me move on just like he told me to. I had also turned my phone off for that time so there wouldn't be any nice surprises from Joel because I just didn't need him to hack into my mind when I was with Aleksi. The craziest part was that he didn't seem to have problems with Aleksi at all. They kept on chatting and working like everything was as they should be and that was great. He had his problems with me and it was fucked up. I had no clue what to do with him and his mindset. I knew he could be a difficult person around sometimes but this was definitely the worst he has ever been and he knew it was killing me. All I ever wanted was him to be happy with whoever he chooses and he wanted me to be happy. Our intension was never hurt each others but now he made me feel like I was breaking his heart the worst possible way and he knew it would hurt me just as much. I loved him with all my heart and I needed him in my life but the situation we were in made me want to just forget him for good. Yet we both knew it was impossible. Our story cannot be forgotten just like that and it is the reason why we are as we are. But it also shouldn't be the reason to ruin my current love life.

On Sunday evening when I was getting ready to bed I heard my phone buzzing time after another. I was sure it was just our group chat and guys were talking about tomorrow's plans. I put my toothbrush away, washed my face and when I was done I shut the lights and went to my bedroom, grabbing the phone from the sofa on my way. I threw myself between the covers and unlocked my phone.

"Oh please.." I scoffed as I saw 10 new message from Joel and they had all been removed. Then a new message popped up and it was another Spotify link. I really didn't want to open it but against all my will and self control, I did, mostly out of curiosity. And as I had assumed it was another song about lost love, called "Can I love you" by Masked and Roxana. Few seconds later another message from Joel came through. I opened the chat head and saw a text "on repeat..." Hesitating I pressed the play button and immediately regretted it. The song was sad. The melody and the lyrics got me too deep and found myself listening that song on repeat as well, thinking that Joel was listening it on repeat also while laying on bed just as sad as I but from different reasons. Fuck. Joel, what games are you playing with me? Why are you doing this now? I have been without a guy almost three months and the previous wasn't even a good relationship or an actual relationship at all. I was just seeing him and taking things slow with him and Joel knew it. Ok, he was with Heli at that time but she was already cheating on him and that would have been the window for us maybe, who knows. But now I was about to get it on with Aleksi and me and Joel were definitely crossed over from the to-do list. Ok if, hypothetically, we got backtogether, maybe it would be different this time. Maybe we could handle our problems like an adults. Maybe he would share more about his own problems with me because he knows I'd be there no matter what. What if the three year pause was exactly the thing we needed so we could just find out that we are meant to be together? But we were not getting back together and I shouldn't even be thinking about this. I definitely should not be thinking about some hypothetical relationship with Joel anymore. We were two broken souls because life has been tough on us since the beginning and until now. And somehow I just had the inner feeling that it wasn't going to treat us too good now either.