Stuck in Between / BlindChannel

30. There is more to it

Aleksi looked me all puzzled and I turned my eyes away from him.

"What are you talking about..?" he asked quietly. I didn't answer. Instead I washed my face, dried it and walked out from the bathroom leaving Aleksi stand there with all the confusion in the World. I went to bedroom and opened my closet. As usual, half of my stuff fell on the floor because the cat had visited my closet again. I ignored the clothes and pulled out a black cardboard box. I carried it to the living room and placed it on the table. Aleksi joined me to the sofa and looked at me.

"Ro..? What is going on?" he asked. He was lost. Can't blame him. But so was I. I had no idea how to explain him the things I had hidden into that box.

"Aleksi...Just.. Open that box.. please.." I said quietly not even looking at his direction. Ok, he knew that me and Joel have known each others forever. He knew we had a long history together. But he didn't know anything else. Not the messing around while we were still teenagers ,nor the engagement, the baby or the occasional hook ups. That was all left into dark for Aleksi. But he had to know. I can't continue hiding this from him anymore if I really wanted to be happy with him. But in order to be happy with him meant that I had to be honest with him. If we even were about to be happy after this.

"What's in there?" he asked before taking it into his lap.

"Just open it and... take out the photos...I'll explain..." I started to shake in fear. I have never seen Aleksi mad and even thinking about him getting mad scared me. Yet I deserved it if that is going to happen. I saw from the corner of my eyes how Aleksi slowly lifted the lid away and placed it next to him. I was biting my nails now. My heart beats were so fast and hard that my chest hurt. I didn't want to say anything. Aleksi put his hand into the box and took out a stack of photos, tied together with a black lace.

"Umh..?" he asked while holding the photos in his hands.

"Untie them.. " I whispered and wiped my tears. I don't know any other way to tell him. The pictures were all in chronological order anyway so I thought it would be easier like that. Not that I wanted to rub the history of me and Joel into his face but.. Those pictures are the best way to explain the bond between us.

Aleksi untied the photos and placed the lace back into the box. The first picture was really nothing. It was just me and Joel, sitting on the pier of the summer cottage when we were 15, pretty much soon after the graduation. That was the first picture I had of me after the worst part of anorexia was over, besides the graduation pictures.

"You..look so skinny in here... " Aleksi whispered and looked at me. I felt his eyes on my side but I didn't have the courage to look at him.

"I..suffered from anorexia when I was 14... My dad got sick and it fucked up my relationship with my mom that time. So I became addicted to cycling and I lost my appetite as well as almost 20kg... so.. One night I passed out at Joel's.. " I swallowed. It has been years since I have spoke about this to anyone.

"He then convinced me to talk with the psychologist... and he pretty much was there for me the whole time.. Making sure I wasn't gonna kill myself with what I did.. " I sighed. I had no idea what expression Aleksi had on his face because I still didn't dare to look. All I saw was that he placed the picture upside down on the table. The next I don't know, ten or twenty pictures were just some random photos from here and there that didn't need to be explained.

After another ten picture or so, Aleksi stopped. I carefully looked what he was looking at. The picture was of me and Joel. The time temple on the lower corner showed that it was taken 14th of August, 2013. The day when we finally got together. I was sitting in his lap, facing him, legs hanging both sides of him. We had our foreheads pressed together and I think Porko took that one.