Stuck in Between / BlindChannel

29. I love you too

Joel's hands were tightly wrapped around me while we were spooning and his calm, hot breath was gently hitting the back of my neck. It felt good. It felt like it was the only right way. But it was wrong. Wrong against Aleksi. But being with Aleksi was wrong against Joel. Fuck. Can I just have both of them? I clearly wasn't able to let go of Joel but I needed Aleksi into my life as well. I sighed and pushed myself carefully up from the bed, trying not to wake Joel. I stood up and pulled on my strings and t-shirt and went to bathroom. I washed my face and stared my reflection from the mirror. Cheater. Joel's slut. One man's whore.. All the names that I had been called previously came into my mind. None of them were wrong. Here I was once again, after all. Back in his bed. I hated myself but I can't exactly choose what my heart wants. And in this case it was the both of them. I fucking loved the both of them. But the worst was that either way I end up hurting one of them.

I walked to the kitchen to make myself some coffee. I turned the machine on and while it was getting ready I took out the mug. Cappuccino this time. The aroma of freshly ground coffee beans filled the apartment and the liquid started to flow into mug, followed by milk. I lifted the mug on my lips and felt a pair of hands pulling me close to another body.

"This was always my favourite view.. You wearing nothing else than shirt and undies while drinking coffee.." I heard Joel whispering into my ear before his lips hit my neck, tracing up and down the soft skin. I closed my eyes and smiled. How many times had his morning greeting turned into hot sex against the kitchen counter. And oh how I missed it...

"Morning" I turned around in his hands. Joel surely slept well, at least he looked like that.

"Morning" he smiled and closed the empty space between us. I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't lie about my feelings. The kiss soon got deeper and deeper and once again I found myself sitting on the kitchen counter legs wrapped around his body and feeling him so close to me...

"I wanna be your slave, I wanna be your master..." suddenly started to play in the pocket of my jacket and the kiss froze at that moment. I slowly pulled off from Joel and walked to the corridor. It was Aleksi. With aching heart I took the phone with me and walked to the balcony, asking Joel to stay quiet during the time I was on the phone with Aleksi. I did not want him to hear anything he wasn't supposed to and Joel gave me a small nod.

"Morning babe" I answered. He had no idea how much it was hurting me to say that. I loved him. I loved him so fucking bad that I hated myself for doing so. He didn't deserve me.

"Hi there.. How did you sleep?" he asked sounding a bit tired.

"Okay I guess. You?" I smiled a bit and tried to sound a bit more positive.

"What sleep?... I haven't even gone to bed yet... " Aleksi answered and yawned.

"Allnighter?"I asked and took a sip of the cappuccino which was already getting cold.

"Yeah but.. We finished the song so it was worth it. I'm coming home today after taking a short nap" he said and sounded a bit happier. Fuck... Not that I didn't want to. I did. Just that, we had to talk. I had to talk.

"Okay, great. What time I can wait you? Want me to cook something?" I asked.

"That would be great babes.. I'll call you when I start driving" Aleksi said.

"Sounds good. I'll be waiting for you" I smiled and held tears back as muchas I could.

"You ok? Sounds like something is wrong..." Aleksi then asked.

"Oh..No, no.. Everything is just fine.. I just was caught in the rain last night so my nose is a bit weird now.. You know me.. As soon as I get wet I'm sick so.. " I lied so smoothly that it hurt me so bad. But wasn't that what I had been doing the whole time?
"Oh.. well..Take care of yourself then, drink something warm and stay warm, ok?"he said and yawned again.