Call It What You Want (BounPrem-Reimagined)

xxvii

Yesterday has been too rough for me. With all the constant thinking that I've been doing, I feel like my head's going to explode at some point; not even sure if I'm happy it didn't though.

After I politely asked my brother to leave me alone for the time being, I basically just sat in different parts of my house, getting lost with my thoughts and jut eventually ending up staring through some wall. Ohm seemed skeptical when I was asking him to leave. He seemed confused, asking me about what's going on in my mind. I think he's expecting that I'd suddenly be all jolly after last night since he kept on bringing up stories of what I did last night. I got irritated because he didn't have to remind me, I know the things that I did, I was and still am well aware of it all.

I tried sitting in my office. I faced my laptop and opened the document file of my book. I stared at it hard and after a while of the stressful silence, I eventually started typing so much words, phrases, sentences, paragraphs of sorts, my fingers not even daring to rest at any point in-between the entirety of the three hours that I was there. I was typing like I was crazy. It seemed like I didn't have to think too much about the stuff that I was writing, too, because the words were constantly flowing and I couldn't seem to stop them.

After three hours of just catching word per word from my head and to my computer, I was able to create at least eight pages worth of collected thoughts and emotions. It scared me, to be honest. Somehow, instead of calming down, I felt my self becoming angrier and angrier. Closing my laptop with so much force, I decided to go down here and swim instead. So, here I am now, just floating around my cold pool, trying to steady my rambling thoughts and my chest that kept on rising and falling in a manner where you'd think I'd probably have a heart-attack, stress and anxiety flowing through me consistently.

I can't even begin to explain how angry I am. I am fuming, basically feeling heat rising up to my cheeks despite the cold water of the pool enveloping me. I am mad because last night didn't do the trick. I am frustrated of the fact that I did everything to make Prem look at me from the other end of the bar and make him jealous - just like what we did to me with that man. I did everything to make him feel what I felt when I was witnessing their flirtatious looks. I wanted for him to react, at least.

But you know what? The most I got from him is this wide-eyed look and his back being turned towards us. I guess that just proves how much he just doesn't care. And maybe it's good that he didn't react, coming to think of it. At least he isn't making this moving on process hard for me.

Already drowning in my own thoughts, I decided to just get out of the pool and lounge in my house instead since my entire body's too numb because of the pool's temperature, the cold wind dancing around me not doing much of a help in stopping my limbs from shivering.

--

There was a point in my writing career when I would scout for serene and cozy coffee shops where I could just sit down for hours, un-bothered, while I write aimlessly with my laptop in front of me and a cup of coffee beside me. The different settings really help with my writing, honestly. I love my house and how it's really spacious and quite far from the busy city but sometimes I just need to be around a busy environment. Does that even make sense? Not sure anymore but that's how I get things done from time to time and it works well for me well.

With those being said, here I am now, big shirt, dull gray jogger pants, worn-out sneakers and facial hair now present on my face. After wallowing in self-loathing for roughly a week, I am out in a really cozy cafe with my laptop and other writing essentials tucked carefully in my backpack. Although I should be feeling a little bit out of place considering my ragged look, I actually don't. The cafe just gives off this very homey and welcoming vibe.