Call It What You Want (BounPrem-Reimagined)

xxiii

If this was a scene from one of my books, this would be the perfect time for me to insert the feeling of air leaving my lungs, for my world to come crashing down and for me to just plainly cry while my supposed "lover" leaves for the door. Right now though, I could only feel a horrible hammering feeling against my chest. Also, I could feel my stomach twisting and my mind whirling with so much thoughts and words that I want to not only write, but to say to Prem himself. Knowing me, I know that I'd just somehow screw up my words altogether, so I settled with not speaking much.

"If that's what you want." I mumbled, sitting down beside him on his bed, the bed that would once again be abandoned, apparently.

He sighed, shoulders visibly dropping. What surprised me, though, is when his hand went to grab mine. The sudden contact almost made me jump, I did not expect it at all but I couldn't deny how I like it so much. I like the feeling that it gives me. It gives me this weird sense of hope, although his face says otherwise.

"Thank you for everything, really." He said, thumb rubbing my knuckles gingerly in the great attempts to make things better, I don't know. What I do know is that he's only making things worse for me as his little gestures adds fuel to this desperate, raging emotions I've got for him. "From offering your home to a stranger to helping me get a job, seriously." He chuckled, shaking his head. That made me smile, though, he looks so genuinely thankful and I guess that's more than enough for me.

"It's whatever." I chuckled, not being able to look up to him while I could feel his gaze almost burning holes through me. Again, I don't think that this kid is aware that he's only making things worse for me right now.

We're enveloped in a stable silence, not one of us saying anything with only our constant breathing heard around this room that is starting to feel so empty and lonely despite the presence of not only us but his stuff that would soon vacate these spaces. I could now feel my heart calming down, Prem's thumb obviously working its magic against my skin. From sitting down beside each other in such a careful and wary manner, we somehow found ourselves slumped against each other, his head on my shoulder, arm wrapped around the other with fingers dancing along each other's hand, as if silently reassuring the other about something - regardless of what that something might mean to the other, or in this case, to me.

We were so lost in our own little world of silence, comfort and reassurance that we didn't take any mind of the time. By the time we both snapped out of our sleepless daydream, the sun is was already rising, subtle rays peeking through the room's curtains, as if notifying us about how much time we've wasted staying up the entirety of the previous night.

"I think I should be packing now." Prem sighed from beside me, head leaving my shoulder as he stared up at me with a small smile. If only he knew how much I've grown to adore his smile.

"Okay." I smiled back, standing up and involuntarily releasing his soft hands from my cold and rough ones. "Do you need help?"

"Um, I think I'm good, actually." He mumbled, turning his back to me as he went to grab a bag from under his bed, proceeding to pack his stuff abruptly, as if not wanting to waste any more time in the house. I couldn't blame him, though. If I were him, I'd be the same.

"Uh, okay. If you- if you need any help, just tell me. I'll be in my room, 'kay?" I offered, although heartbroken with how he's treating me right now. But come on, who would blame the kid, right? I basically crushed him. What I did is unbelievably unforgivable. I never thought that I'd be the kind of guy to recklessly get drunk and completely black out so much stuff. Begrudgingly dragging myself to my room, I closed the door behind me as I entered it. By this point, my mind's just empty. The words that had been flowing in my mind are now forgotten. I mean, I didn't really made so much of an effort to keep them secured in my head anyways, since I was too occupied with the feeling of having Prem next to me for the past hours. I guess I would have to sit down and try to remember them anytime this day, seeing as I'd have so much time and space in my plate in a matter of hours.

I don't know for how long I stared at my room, not knowing what to do and even not having anything to think about. That's the weird thing, because I never stop thinking about anything. It's like my mind's always occupied and busy thinking about so much stuff, may it be for my book or even just storing a reminder for myself to go pick up something in the grocery. I've always tried to be one of those people who immediately writes stuff on a piece of paper for future reference or reminder but I always tend to just make mental notes and the horrible downside of it is that I mostly totally forget about it, again, considering the amount of stuff that my mind wants to think about on a daily basis.

I didn't put so much thought to it but I guess I somehow managed to put myself in a situation where I started picking things up in my room, tidying it religiously and even going further to organizing the messiest spot in the room at the moment, which just so happens to be my closet. I was never the tidiest person but I'm not a slob, either. I don't know, the past couple of weeks had been such a weird loopy ride that I think I wasn't able to pay any mind to the clothes that I pull out and throw back in this room.

I think a solid hour had gone by and by this time, sweat is already trickling down everywhere. Being entirely bothered with how the sweat-stained shirt sticks to my back, I discarded it, throwing it together with the pile that I collected on my bed. I hear my phone vibrate from the bedside table and I immediately went for it, seeing a message from Samantha. It made me smile, I actually kinda miss her.

'Hey, I miss you! Haven't heard much from you wtf are u up to?' It read. Chuckling to myself I went to the full-sized mirror, snapping a joke photo but also keeping a serious face. I typed in, 'Miss ya too. Nothing much just got out of the gym:-)' with the attached photo.

Not even a minute had gone by and I already got a reply from Sam. 'HEY THAT'S ILLEGAL! Also, pull up your damn pants, Justin.' She said, making me laugh. Looking down on myself, I indeed do have my jog pants lower than I intended it to be.

"Hey, Boun, I'll- um-" Prem barged in to the room, eyes wide as ever as I diverted my eyes from my phone to him. I noticed the bags in his hands and decided to reply to Samantha's message later. Biting my lip and feeling all anxious, I left my phone to it's original place, going over to him.

"That was fast." I chuckled, plainly just trying to mask the disappointment in me. I don't want him to leave but I wouldn't keep him here if he clearly doesn't want to be here and that's what I'm doing. I've caused him too much pain for me to be stubborn and insist on making him stay.

Prem stayed glued to his place as he chewed on his lip, seemingly contemplating something. "You okay?" I asked as I approached him and clearly seeing his grip tight around the handles of his bags.

"I, um, I was just going to say that, um, I'll be leaving." He spoke through chocked up words, shaking his head after.

"Okay. Uh, do you have a new place to stay in?"

"Jaime told me that it's okay for me to stay in my dressing room for the mean time." He said, once again turning his back to me, much like what he did before when he started packing his stuff. I am getting kind of offended with the treatment that he's giving me but again, I couldn't and wouldn't blame him, though. I bet he couldn't even stand being in the same house with me. That's understandable, though.

"Okay, um, let me know if you need anything, okay? You have my number, don't hesitate on calling me whenever, okay?" I told him, being really true to every single word that I just said. I mean those. I am still willing to help him in any way or form. Hell, I'd be more than willing to take him in anytime if he wants to.

"It's okay. You don't have to look out for me all the time." He said when we reached the front door, a small and sad smile forcing up his lips as he turned to face me again, for the last time, I suppose. It's weird how seeing him with his bags, in front of my door, ready to leave makes me miss him.

"I'll always care for you." I simply said, left with nothing more to prove and offer to him other than these reassuring words that I only hope he'll believe. But in this situation at this time, I don't think he'll accept it now or anytime soon.

"I better get going." He mumbled, disregarding my statement. I noticed a cab parked in front and he approached it. He loaded his stuff in the vehicle, only looking back once to force up a smile on my direction as I waved to him. I watched the cab speed by, taking Prem away from my home and put on his own once again.

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