𝐒𝐲𝐧 ┃𝐁𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞

16. 𝑀𝑦 𝐸𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔

May 3, 2023

Syn

"Because you mean everything to me," I admitted. She stopped moving at my words and I took her hand and tugged her closer to me. I needed to speak to her and I needed her to hear me. I would never be more honest in my entire life than at this moment. "Believe it or not, but this has been a shitty ass two years for me."

"Syn..."

"Hear me out and then I'll stop speaking as long as you need me to." She nodded and I picked up the towel beside me, and laid it over her shoulders, closing it in front of her as I looked into her eyes. "You were the last person I did these huge declarations with and it's been a while so don't laugh at me if it's shitty."

"I wouldn't laugh."

"I know," I said with a nod as I fixed my gaze on anything but her. I took a deep breath and held the towel against her. "When I met you and started feeling shit, it wasn't just...love that was there. I felt everything. Not just from then—umm...but everything before I even met you. From when I was a kid, when I lived in the palace...just a lot."

She looked at me intently as I struggled to find the words, but she stayed quiet. "Every scar that you've seen was relived over and over again when I went to sleep. Memories that were just memories were just more than they were before. There were nights I couldn't sleep because I was scared of the shit I'd see, and when I did sleep it wasn't for long."

"How long did it last?"

"They never stopped," I said. "To this day, they're still here." Her eyes watered as she got emotional, but she kept herself from crying and continued listening to me. "They were worse after I 'came back from the dead', but I had you. They didn't completely disappear when you were around, but weirdly enough, a part of you was always with me in my dreams. Does that sound crazy?"

"I don't think I understand," she whispered.

"When you were with me, dreams were just dreams and reality was reality. And my reality was that I'd get to wake up beside you every single morning and be the luckiest man in the world."

Queen took in a shaky breath at my admission and I looked down at her hand. "In my dreams I'd get a small feeling you were with me, somehow protecting me. Whether it was a smell or some small symbol that made me think of you. Things would still be painful, but it was bearable."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I wiped her eyes before any tears could fall and I sighed.

"I didn't know how. We were so happy, and I just felt that if I were to come to you about it, you'd think I was weak. You asked a lot of questions back then and I wasn't ready to answer them." I noticed the inquisitive gaze in her eyes and I shook my head slowly. "I'm still not ready. I never will be and I hope that isn't a dealbreaker."

She looked down at my hands and my chest pained when she didn't confirm nor deny the question I had left lingering in the air. Is it a dealbreaker? I ignored the hurt that her silence had raised and I continued. "As I said, you made things better. When you left a couple of years ago, I thought I'd be fine...but everything went to shit. I couldn't sleep for a couple of months, I had these umm panic...shit."

I ran my hand down my face, not anticipating how difficult this would be and Queen wrapped her arms around my neck. I leaned my head against her chest as she hugged me tightly, but I kept my arms to myself. If I were to give in to her one hundred percent, I wasn't sure I'd survive her leaving again. "I-umm..."