𝐒𝐲𝐧 ┃𝐁𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞

66. 𝐺𝑜𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑁𝑜𝑤𝘩𝑒𝑟𝑒

May 13, 2023

Queen

"I just need you here."

"Say something, Princess," he whispered. "Anything. I'd rather you tell me to get lost than for you to say nothing."

I swallowed a lump in my throat and looked down at my hands, eyeing the dried blood on my fingertips. Memories of yesterday flashed through my mind and my eyes watered.

I wasn't angry at Syn. I forgave him long before he apologized, but that didn't erase the pain he caused me. He hurt me of all people, accident or not. What if it hadn't been me that walked into the restroom? What if it had been Saint?

I knew if I said it out loud, Syn would be shocked, swearing up and down that he'd never hurt our child...but he promised me he'd never hurt me either. And he did, again. The drugs weren't a factor when he did it the first time, he truly had a problem; his temper. In the past, he'd blow up over the smallest things and now with the drugs, he was half an inch away from losing his shit 24/7.

I could forgive him for hurting me in his current state, but if Saint were to ever become victim to any of it, I didn't know what I'd do. Well, I knew what I'd have to do, but there was no point in breaking my own heart over things that never happened.

"I am sorry," he said softly, lowering his forehead to mine and closing his eyes. I began to relax in his hold until I remembered the seriousness of what was going on. This couldn't be like those times in the past when I let his touch cloud my judgement...no matter how badly I wanted it.

With that, I tore myself away from his touch and took a step back. I ran a hand through my hair before crossing my arms and blowing out a breath. A pained look crossed his face as I moved away, but it was gone as quickly as it came. "How do I know that you're still not using, Syn? Or that you won't again?"

"I'm not on anything right now," he said. "As for knowing that I won't do it again...you don't know. Fuck, I'm not sure that I even know." My heart sank and I looked away from his as he took a step toward me. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, taking a step toward me. "Every single bone and instinct in my body right now wants to leave this room and get the pills, Queen. That's the truth. I feel like shit and right now it feels like that's the only thing that will help, but I'm standing here fighting it for you and Saint.

"I'm this fucking close to falling apart, but I'm here. I can stand here and promise you with one hundred percent certainty that I know, I'll never use it again...but I don't have the energy to lie to you anymore. I don't know shit, that's the truth and it's fucking terrifying. I'm so scared that I-...I..."

"That what?"

"That one day I'll snap out of some daze and realize that I did irreversible damage to you...or Saint. That single thought is one of the only threads keeping me from giving in," he admitted. "I'm tired of hurting you. But standing here right now...as I am. I can't promise that it'll never happen again. I hardly recognize myself these days; I'm not sure what I'm capable of when I'm not in control of myself."

A tear fell down my cheek and I wiped it quickly before glancing at him. "Why are you telling me this? Aren't you trying to get me to stay?"

"Would you rather I lied?"

No. Well, the lie would be more comforting to hear than the daggers of truth he was sending my way. He was confirming every worry I was thinking about when I needed him to assure me that I had nothing to worry about. I had no experience dealing with anyone with drug addiction. This was new to me. All I knew was that I loved him no matter what. I was prepared to dive head-first into whatever we needed to do...but something- rather, someone, was stopping me.