𝐒𝐲𝐧 ┃𝐁𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞

59. 𝑋 𝐼𝑠 𝐹𝑜𝑟 𝑋𝑎𝑣𝑖𝑎

May 11, 2023

Queen

I waited anxiously as he unlocked the door. When he pushed it open, he held his hand out and I accepted it, not knowing what to expect. I stepped into the darkness, my heart pounding as I waited for something terrifying to jump out at me, but when light flooded the room, I froze.

I was faced with a bedroom for what seemed like a child. Not only a child, but a little girl. The light in the room was a soft orange, bringing a certain comfort that I wouldn't have ever associated with Hell as I stepped further inside.

I looked at the small bed in the far corner of the room, the light purple and soft yellow bedsheets neatly spread across it. Stuffed teddy bears and small toys littered the bed and the floor right beside it and I smiled a bit before turning toward him. "Is this you trying to tell me that you want a baby?"

He walked into the room, closing the door behind him and shaking his head as a solemn expression overtook his features. "No."

I furrowed my brows, slightly confused before turning around and giving the room a more careful look. The high ceiling of the small room was painted a soft orange and pink hue with a few spotty orbs of white that looked like clouds. I followed the mural down to the corner of the ceiling where the blinds were and looked at the embroidered yellow sunflowers on them.

I looked a few feet away from the blinds to see a small wooden swing set hanging from the ceiling and I walked toward it, letting go of Syn's hand.

I let my hand delicately glide along his rope holding the rusting bench swing a few feet above the floor and nostalgia became to swirl around in my stomach. The room was beautiful, it completely resembled the sunflower field I hadn't seen in years, but deep down I knew it wasn't for me.

The reality of who this room truly belonged to was a daunting and painful one. It made my eyes water as I looked back at Syn.

"Syn, what is this?"

"A few months ago she would've been four," he said, looking around the room. "If she came home...I didn't want her to come back and...not have her own room."

I nodded slowly, looking around at the delicacy and time it must've taken to create this room. My heart felt heavy with each passing second and I felt an ache in my throat as tears fell down my cheeks. "I-it's a nice room." My voice broke.

"I didn't bring you in here to make you cry," he said. "Over the past few months, this has been one of the few places where I've come just to remember her. When I'm in here, it's like I can just wait in the chair and wait for her to just run through the door. As a father," He sighed. "it doesn't doesn't feel good to have the image of your own child slipping away from your mind."

I nodded, understanding why he needed to create this place for himself...but it still didn't lessen the pain of knowing that this room would always remain this way. I could hope all I wanted, but a part of me knew that hope was all that it would be. I would have given anything for a few more moments with her; to hear her ramble about nonsense she was passionate about that day.

But the universe was cruel, and Syn and I had done more than enough to piss it off.

"I get it," I told him, wrapping my arms around myself. That didn't make being in here hurting any less though. The room alone made me wonder about the life the three of us could've lived if I had just taken Syn's offer of running away with him and leaving everything behind.

There would have been no wedding, he wouldn't have died, I would've never met Sebastian again...there would have been no Saint. As much as it pained me to believe that everything happened for a reason, I had to believe it. Because even though I had lost everything that mattered to me, I was his mother for a reason. Those reasons remained unknown but how could I wake up every morning to look at him and hope for something else.