Not Looking Back

Chapter 28

Brandon's P.O.V.

I walk to my usual, secluded hang out spot in the corner. Yesterday I completely broke down after Lily left. I just hope she didn't hear me scream at nothing like a weirdo. It's just that, that it's getting worse. The voices and the memories, they're coming back and they're not leaving me alone. I don't know what to do and my meds are sure as hell not working. What do I need? A bigger dosage? Last time I checked, I almost died because of that type of ampage. I guess the only thing that really brings me back to Earth, brings me back to the good old days, is Lily. I just wish I could show her how much I appreciate her friendship. She has no idea how much it means to me. But how do I pay her back? Oh that's right Brandon, you let your bipolarness get to you and you act like a dick to her. And she still stays with you. If that's not persistence and dedication, then I don't know what is.

I got to pay her back somehow. Not with money and certainly not with an apology. An apology is a promise to never do it again, and me being the worthless piece of shit that I am, I know I will hurt Lily over and over again.

I gotta find a way...

I keep walking to my lonely corner, still pondering, still wondering, how I can redeem myself, when I swear a sign from God comes down. I step on a flyer. Yes, the flyer on the ground that I have just stepped on is a sign from God because something impels me to look down and pick it up.

Homecoming Tickets for Sale starting October 20th!!

Homecoming...homecoming, homecoming, homecoming. The word swirls around my head, the sound of it getting weirder by the second. I have never been to homecoming, not even a school dance to add to that. Maybe I could ask Lily. I'm sure she'd like to go...

Right?

I become so hesitant. But what if she says no? Wouldn't that make things awkward between us? Wouldn't that just ruin a friendship that makes me feel so right?

C'mon Brandon! Stop being a pussy. Looks like that's the only thing you can be: a coward.

Oh no. It's the voice. But for once it's encouraging me to do something other than killing myself. I gotta try right? I gotta bring some right to my wrong life.

I'm going to ask her to homecoming. I'm gonna do it. No backing out.

Tomorrow.

*********

The annoying sound of my alarm jolts me awake. This whole zero-period-photography thing is not cool. But I was not about to drop it either way. I lazily get out of bed, dragging myself to the bathroom. I got to leave pretty early today if I want to buy Lily flowers and get to school on time. I have to do this; if I don't do this today, I know I will never ask her.

Getting ready in less than 30 minutes, I grab my keys and wallet from my desk and rush out the door, saying goodbye to my dad. I still don't know what flowers to get Lily. I mean I have no idea what she likes...roses, tulips, sunflowers...

Lilies?

I mentally slap myself. That's so cheesy but for some reason I think she'll like it. I start my baby, the engine roaring to life beneath me. It's time to do this Brandon. Now or never right? I kick myself off the driveway and swerve onto the street. Confidence has just become my best friend.

*********

The bell to signal the end of fourth period has just rung. I have been carrying these flowers for like five hours; now it's time to ask her. I enter AP Chem, shaky may I add, a bit to early for my taste, but there she is; there's Lily sitting in her desk on her phone, oblivious to what I am about to ask her. I start towards her but I immediately come to a stop. I can't do this. I don't even know her like that.

You really are a pussy Brandon. Like literally. Even I could do better. Too bad I'm you.

I will not let my stupid self get to me! I walk up confidently to Lily and tap her shoulder. She jumps up, like if I scared her, and turns around. I have the flowers behind my back so she can't see them.

"Oh hey Brandon," she greets with a smile. Why do I feel my knees wobbling at the sight of her beautiful mouth. It's just because you're nervous about the whole asking thing I tell myself.

"Hey uhh Lily..I was uhh, you know, wondering," I gulp really hard.

"Yeah?" she giggles. Oh dear Jesus I cannot do this.

I knew you wouldn't be able to.

"Shut up!" I mutter to myself.

"What did you say Brandon? I didn't quite catch that," Lily states while twiddling with her fingers. Is she also nervous? Why? It's not like she likes me or anything right?

Right?

"I just wanted to know if you uhh wanted to...uhh..if you wanted to...go to the homecoming dance with me?" I raise my voice an octave too high for my taste on the last word. At this I pull the flowers from behind me and give Lily a sheepish grin.

"Oh my gosh Brandon!" She looks up at me and I can feel the blood rising to my face. "Brandon I'd love too!" She tackles me with a hug and I can do nothing but hug her back.

When she pulls apart I apoligize for the poor selection of flowers. "I hope it isn't chessy," I say with another sheepish grin and a scratch to the back of my head.

"Oh my! Not at all! It's so cute that you got flowers after my name!"

"I don't know what your favorite are..."

"They're actually lilies. Just in case you need to know for future references."

My jaw just dropped to the floor I fucking promise you. Did she just say that to me? Did she just flirt with me?

"Close that mouth of yours Brandon. It's not nice to gape at a pretty lady," she laughs and I can't stop from joining her.

"I'm really glad you said yes Lily. I've been nervous all day because I wasn't sure what you'd say."

"Brandon, we're friends. What did you think I'd say?"

Brandon, we're friends.

We're friends.

Friends.