Not Looking Back

Chapter 25

Brandon's P.O.V.

You're a worthless piece of shit and you know it. You can't even make any friends; you always have to fuck it up. You might as well kill yourself. It's not like anyone will miss you...

"SHUT UP!! SHUT THE FUCK UP," I scream as I sweep everything away from my desk in the anger I'm in. I can't stand this anymore. I start punching the wall...once, twice, three times, my knuckles bruising and already turning purple.

You can't even take this like a man. You're screaming, telling me to shut the fuck up, when I am you Brandon. You are me; I am you. See how this works?

I slide down from the wall and start crying. I can't take this anymore. I might as well kill myself why not? I don't have any worth in living. I slowly raise my head up, the tears running down my cheeks. Through my blurry vision I see my pills. They do nothing! They don't even work because if they did, I wouldn't be like this! I quickly grab them from the floor and open my antipsychotics. I'm only supposed to take one but I drown the whole bottle down. No water. I knew that would come in handy one day.

I throw the empty bottle to the side and crawl to my bed, lifting myself up and hiding beneath my sheets that oddly smell like James. I flip to my side and close my eyes, the drowsiness taking over.

I wasn't looking to kill myself, just to make the voices stop, but if I don't ever wake up, it's the same to me. I don't care anymore.

...

I jolt up from my bed, as if I had a nightmare, and don't feel so good. How am I still alive? I look around my room to see the mess I've made. And then it hits me.

I jump out of my bed and sprint to my bathroom, barely having time to open the toilet seat and spill all the contents from my "suicide attempt." Of course my body would react to 10+ pills in it's body. I flush the toilet and wipe my mouth, getting up to brush my teeth. I wonder how long I've been out...

When I walk back into my room, feeling much better, I see that it's 7:30. Hmm...why do I have this nagging feeling that I'm forgetting something?

I check my phone and see 5 missed calls from Lily. Oh no, that's what I forgot. We made plans to eat somewhere, me picking her up, and I was on the brink of death. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't even feel like calling back; I don't want to make up an excuse.

I slide back beneath my sheets, warmth wrapping me up. I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep. I wonder if my dad's home by now...

I hear a knock on my door.

"Brandon...uhh your friend Lily's here?" My dad says in a rather questioning tone.

You've got to be shitting me.

"Tell her that I'm sleeping Dad! I don't feel so well and I really don't want someone bothering me right now."

"It's too late Brandon! I'm here. Please can I just come in?" Lily's voice comes through the door. This day cannot get any worse.

I groan and just as I realize that my room is an utter mess, I mean all the stuff from my desk on the floor, scattered around, my clothes all over the floor, and there's...blood; there's dried blood on the wall I was punching earlier, it's too late. Lily opens the door and walks in as I spring out of my bed to clean the blood out, barely remembering that I'm only wearing boxer briefs. Why didn't I just die from the O.D.? Better than dying from embarrassment!

"Ohh!" Lily squeaks as she covers her eyes with her hands. I leap back under my sheets; fuck the blood, I have enough of it flowing up to my face.

"I'm under my sheets so you could look now I guess..." I mumble.

Lily slowly removes her hands from her eyes and then I mentally slap my forehead. Four bottles of pills are on the floor, one of them empty. Fuck what do I do now? Pray that she doesn't look down?

"Is your room always this messy?" She asks in a nervous voice. She looks around my room observing it.

"Uhh...no actually. I just uh...I'm just not feeling well..."

She starts walking towards me, more forward, steps away from the bottles.

"Do you have a headache or some-"

She just kicked them. I hide under my sheets. I don't even know what to say in order to distract her. I hear the rattling of the pills inside the bottle and my fight or flight response kicks in. Once again I'm out of my bed and next thing I know I'm in mid-air about to tackle Lily. We both fall to the floor, me on top of her, and freeze. The bottle on her hand rolls away.

"Uhh..."

I get up and pick up all four bottles in lightning speed. I stuff them into a drawer.

"They're just pills the doctor gave me for uhh the...migraines I sometimes get..." I lie bluntly, "You didn't read the description did you?"

"Uh...no. You tackled me before I could even see the bottle."

"Sorry about that. Hehe," I say as I scratch the back of my head.

"I should go now. If you're suffering from a migraine I really would prefer you to rest. We can postpone our plans."

"Thanks Lily. Sorry about everything."

I walk towards the door, almost opening it for her, when I stop. Lily looks up to me in confusion.

"Brand-"

Both my hands grip the sides of her head and pull her towards me, our lips crashing into each other. I've been waiting for this moment for a while. I can feel hesitation from Lily's part, but she quickly succumbs to me. I lead her onto my bed, still connected together by our mouths, and we both fall. She pulls away.

"Brandon I think I should really go now." She gets off my bed and heads towards the door. I fumble out and grab her arm, pulling her back to me, inches away from my face.

"Lily, believe me when I say I've been waiting for this moment. Don't go."

"Brandon! You're not even wearing clothes!"

How the fuck did I quickly forget I was still in my boxer briefs.

"Will you stay please? I promise I'll go change and we can just talk and hang out. But please don't leave me."

Lily looks at the floor, the walls, the cieling, the mess; everything but me. She finally looks up and stares into my eyes, penetrating my soul with that gaze of hers.

"Of course I'll stay Brandon. I'll never leave."