Haikyuu!! X reader One shots

Happiness hurts- suga

Authors note: heyhey! Feeling off today and I'm not really sure why... I decided to write a one shot that'll hopefully provide some cute fluff for you while also serving as a rant for me!
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'I don't deserve to feel happy...'
All of your life happiness has been so tied to the idea of pain... they started separately. But somewhere along the way those two wires became tangled. In a beautifully haunting way, they became one.
You were given praise for the good things you did and it made you so... So happy. But some little voice inside of you was yelling at you, screaming that you were being selfish.
'Happiness is a prize for perfection! and I'm not perfect! I don't deserve this! I'm not a good enough person!'

Why does it have to hurt so badly? Every time You felt happiness that You didn't really earn It was sure to be followed by an overwhelming wave of guilt.
'Do I deserve this? Am I good enough? Why am I happy even when I made a mistake?'
The smallest slip up, the most insignificant failure, and happiness hurts... it hurts so much.

'You said you'd do your best on that quiz but you got a question wrong. What were the sleepless nights for? Why are they praising you for failing?!' At first that little voice was a part of you. It was you scolding yourself. But now it was detached... like a stranger screaming at your every mistake.
The worst part was that you couldn't talk to anyone. It wasn't that you never tried! It wasn't even that people wouldn't listen... it was more like they couldn't hear.

You were falling into the icy pain of lonesomeness. Only you and your thoughts... the thoughts that wanted nothing more than to tear you limb from limb and feast on the pain they caused. You kept sinking and as much as you wanted to scream for help... you couldn't. You needed that oxygen to stay alive. Even for just a little while longer. It's not like anyone would hear your screams anyways. They'd just tell you to stop acting out. It was childish... it wasn't a cry for help to them, it was a tantrum.

That's how it felt at least. So it's strange... 'why do you always seem so happy? Sugawara koshi... your smile truly brings me joy that I could never deserve.'
Suga found you at your worst. Walking soullessly through a park in the dead of night... you were lost, figuratively of course. You simply allowed the endless stream of tears to spill from your eyes. Leaving trail that would quickly dry on the concrete below your shuffling feet.
"Hey... are you alright? You're crying. Want to talk about it? It might help!"

He was always so happy... so kind and welcoming. even at your lowest moments, the times you felt so tangled in your melancholy that you could never escape it's icy cold grasp. He was there, gently untangling you. Speaking through the most beautifully gentle voice, words of encouragement and safety. Words that made you feel like things might not be so bad. Like maybe you deserved to feel happy sometimes.

'You don't deserve him either. You're just making things harder on him! He's such a sweet and positive person and all you manage to do is drag him down. Leaving him with the responsibility to pull you from the depths of your subconscious.'
Of course no matter how good things got... no matter how happy you were. Those thoughts wouldn't leave you. They couldn't... that voice of doubtful sorrow found it's times to shine through. But he was there... he could always help you stand, brush the dirt off of yourself, and keep walking.

Suga never expected you to be okay, he didn't pressure you to hide the way you felt or put on a mask of togetherness. Instead he supported you through it all. Never once would he tell you not to cry or blame you for making things harder. Instead he said it was ok to cry, and told you he could help you make things better. He was angelic... ethereal.

"Suga! I passed the test with 100%! Your study guide was really helpful!" You beamed.

"I'm glad! I've always got your back when you need it." Suga flashed his usual smile, his eyes closed and the faintest blush dusting his cheeks. It wasn't that compliments from you were new to him... after all you've been dating for some time now. But they still flustered the boy all the same.

"So suga... I know this is off topic but uh-"
'You're really gonna ask him to spend New Years with you? Don't you think he has plans? Why would you bother him with something so stupid?!'
"Um... I- uh... nevermind it's not important! I should get going."
Sugas cool fingers wrapped around your wrist, stopping you with a gentle grasp. One you could have easily pulled away from. But felt no compulsion to do so...

"I'm not sure what you were gonna say... but I can tell from that look in your eyes that it's more important than you're letting on. You know you can talk to me right?"
His soft features shone with mild concern. It always was quite hard to lie to him...
"Well I uh... I wanted to ask if you'd like to spend New Years with me..? Although I'm sure you have plans! You really don't need to worry about it! It's no biggie!"

The boy pulled your hand towards him. Enveloping you in a hug. "Of course I would. There's no need to worry so much about asking me things. I'm always happy to spend time with you!"
You closed your eyes, trying to memorize everything about this moment. You couldn't quite convince yourself that you deserved it... the pure happiness you felt. But that hug seemed to melt the pain from your joy.

[the end]

Authors note: I hope you liked this one shot! I know it was a bit angsty but I've been feeling pretty down and writing is one of the only ways I can properly convey my feelings... let me know if you have any requests for one shots! I'm always happy to write things for my dear readers! ~OwlBee