Only With You

I guess it does

        I couldn’t bring myself to face Emma on Monday after the talk with April in the rooftop. Even after I washed my face and fixed my clothes, I still looked like an emotional mess –the fact that my eyes got super red pretty fast didn’t help at all. My best friend tried to convince me not to waste any more time and just go talk to Emma, but I couldn’t do it. Not just because of my appearance, but also because I still didn’t know how things were between Emma and I after I left her alone in my own house to run after April.
           
        More than a week has passed since our little ‘discussion’ –if I could call it that- and I ignored Emma’s multiples attempts to apology. It seemed like after five days of constantly trying to reach out for me, Emma gave up and just left me alone. At the time I didn’t think much about it -I was too focused on the other girls on the list- but now I regretted the decision I made, because it will be harder for me to talk to her after all this time ignoring her.
           
        On Monday’s I spent almost all night thinking about the last time Emma and I talked –our little ‘discussion’ over April’s relationship with me replaying in my mind like a broken record. Emma’s intentions weren’t entirely wrong, but that didn’t make the situation any better. She knew little to nothing about April or my relationship with her, so it wasn’t her place to judge April or even tell me I should be careful around her. It was still somehow good to know she cared about me enough to tell me to be careful around my own best friend. As stupid as it sounded, it showed that she wasn’t scared to talk just to make sure I took care of myself. That affected me to the point of feeling a little bit guiltier about the way things worked after the ‘discussion’.
           
        During the week Emma sent me multiple texts apologizing but I always ignored them, far too worried about the other girls and their rejection to even remember she was too one of the girls on the list. Now that she was the only one left and I could go over the texts, I feel even worse, because I never considered her feelings after the kiss. It was like my selfish impulse; never thinking about everyone else’s feelings but mine’s. This time it wasn’t any different, Emma made pretty clear she liked me by her actions and I did nothing about it but ignore her, using the discussion about April as an excuse.
           
        I was going to have to work really hard to get her to forgive me if Emma was mad at me. I was practically praying she wasn’t mad at me.
           
        It was now Tuesday and the bell signaling lunch hour just went off. There wasn’t a perfect time for me to approach Emma but I figured this was the best one. I planned to buy her lunch like we did the week she spent with me and maybe we could use that time to talk. That’s if Emma decided to have lunch with me and not turn down my offer.
           
        “Jesus Crist! Calm down Izzy,” April almost shouted at me, right after I paid the woman from the cafeteria for our lunch. I gave April her sandwich and she gave me a little reassuring smile. “Everything is going to be okay,” she took my shacking hand in hers. “Stop being so worried and just apology, okay? She didn’t mean any wrong by what she said so just fix things with your soul mate,” she said the last part in a teasing tone.
           
        I rolled my eyes playfully at her. “But what if she hates me now? Or what if she wants to ignore me like I did with her? What if she doesn’t like me anymore? What if she found someone el-”
           
        April cut me off by groaning before saying in a playful whining tone, “Oh my God, shut up. Izzy, you can go on and on with the ‘what if’ questions, but you are missing a very important one.”
           
        I looked at her. “What question?”
           
        “What if she does still like you?” April said simply.

~~~~~~
           
        After April’s short pep talk to me, I made my way to Emma’s table, where she was sitting with a little group of friends. I nervously wiped my sweaty free hand on my jeans and with the other hand I gripped tightly the paper bag that carried two lunches.
           
        As soon as I stood at the end of the table Emma was sitting, every head turned to me. For a second I felt like some kind of experiment, with every pair of eyes looking at me like I was being evaluated. I shifted uncomfortably on my shoes and looked down at Emma for a second before saying in a small voice, “Hey.” It seemed like she immediately understood my discomfort because I was barely having the enough balls to talk. Why are they looking at me like that anyway? 
           
        “Guys...” Emma said, her tone was a mixture of a warning and a pleading. Almost as quickly as they heard Emma’s word, they turned their heads away from me and keep on talking between them like I wasn’t even there on the first place. I was feeling extremely uncomfortable just standing there without knowing what to say. Luckily for me, Emma broke the silence again, “What do you want, Izzy?”
           
        Her tone wasn’t a snappy one like Aria’s, or a hopeful one like Chelsea’s; hers was a soft one, life she breathed out the question in pure exhaustion. I didn’t know if it was a bad or a good thing, but I was hoping for the second.
           
        I finally cleared my throat and spoke, “Can we talk?” I lifted the hand that was gripping the bag, showing it to Emma. “I brought lunch. You think we can go outside and eat together?” I couldn’t help the pleading edge in my tone. Fixing my relationship with Emma wasn’t an option; I had to make her fall in love with me in less than 9 months.
           
        Emma looked at her friends but they seemed not to be paying any attention to our conversation. After thinking for a few seconds she let out a sigh, picked her bag from her feet and stood up from her seat. “Yeah let’s go outside.” She looked back at her friends saying a quick goodbye and she didn’t wait for me before she started to walk out of the cafeteria. I still could feel Emma’s friends looking at me like they could kill me if I do a wrong move. I couldn’t understand why they were acting like that after they seemed to like me when I met them more than two weeks ago. Did Emma tell them something? Nah, she is still in the closet so she wouldn’t.
           
        I quickly followed Emma down the hall, matching her pace as we walked. I cleared my throat nervously and before I could talk Emma beat me to it. “Why do you keep doing that?”
           
        “Doing what?” I asked oblivious.
           
        She gave me a quick look before opening the door to go outside and holding it open for me. I gave her a little smile in appreciation and she smiled back at me before answering my question, “Clearing your throat like that or the way you seemed so uncomfortable in the cafeteria.”
           
        We finally reached our usual spot by the tree and we both sit down on the grass, leaning against the big tree. The quiet place was making the situation a tiny bit more relaxing.
           
        “Your friends seem to hate me now,” I tried to change subtly the subject; although that was partly the reason I got so nervous. They were practically looking at me like they knew every single sin I commit. “If I didn’t know any better I would think you told them about the... um, you know... the kiss,” I said nervously.
           
        Emma snatched the bag out of my hands and took the sandwiches out, handing me one. By the way she was acting I thought she didn’t hear me at all considering she was so calm and not answering, but I was wrong.