Only With You

Sounds like a plan

After my conversation with Emma, things went better between the two of us. I always felt a kind of comfort with Emma, like we met each other a long time ago. You know, like when you are talking with a childhood friend and the conversation flows smoothly. Our short friendship was always an easy one, there weren't any awkward moments after the little discussion we had respect April and after we fixed things again, everything went back to normal -or at least our kind of normal.

After a lot of convincing from April's part and a very pleading look from Emma -that she tried to dismiss or at least to hide- I agreed to have lunch all week with Emma like we did the first week of our friendship. April's argument was pretty simple; she said that if I wanted things to get back to normal between Emma and I -and eventually win her heart- then I should do the things that made Emma like me in the first place. I tried to fight against her argument saying what we had was just a friendship but April I pretty much had shut my mouth after mentioning the way she found us making out in the hallway the night of the party.

So in April's eyes -and probably Emma's- what we have is more than a friendship but not quite a relationship. It was a very weird situation, having in mind that we kissed and never even talked specifically about the kiss between us. Did it mean something for Emma? I think so. The way she cried on Tuesday keep replying in my mind, along with her words. What is 'I shouldn't let my hope blind me from being realistic' supposed to mean? Does she think I'm playing with her? I wouldn't actually blame her if she did. To be honest if it wasn't because of the accident and the fact that Emma is supposedly the love of my life, I wouldn't make another attempt to repeat what happened on that Friday night.

The fact that I would treat Emma like any other of the girls was actually making me feel even a worse person. I couldn't tell April I still thought Hannah was right though, she would try to convince me otherwise. I needed to face reality. The angel was right all along; I play with girls. I make them think we have a connection, something special is happening between us, some kind of relationship is going, I get their hopes up and when I see things get too serious, I jump right out of the boat and I let them sink all alone.

Everyone says that the first step to change for the better is accept that we have a problem, and I'm trying to accept mine. I'm selfish and I'm so scared of commitment. I don't know what makes me be the way I am or why I can't learn from my previous mistakes, but maybe that's why I had the accident -to help me realize in an ugly and very scary way that I couldn't keep playing around. Of course my guardian angel's method was slightly over the top but this was the slap I needed after all.

I found the girl that I will spend the rest of my life with. There wasn't any space for mistakes, so I was going to take things slow with Emma and try not to sink myself in the friend zone in the meanwhile. But of course things never go the way I plan and I got another wake-up call on Friday afternoon while I was standing beside Emma's locker; because things never seem to go the way I plan them.

"Did you hear Aria White broke some girl's nose last week?" Emma asked me. I couldn't see her face because it was lost inside her locker while she searched for something. I was leaning against a locker with my shoulder so I was on my side facing her.

At the mention of Aria's name I pushed the books on my arms closer to my chest, trying somehow to suppress the pang of guilt I felt every time I saw or heard anything about any of the girls on the list.