You're an idiot // Winterfalcon

14

I left the room leaving Thor and Bruce alone trudging to my room. I missed Bucky. I hated the days when he would train for most the day without stopping, it was mainly due to his adrenaline and stress. Having to get the energy out. Steve was the same and they spent a lot of time together as well as Nat being in there with them too. She likes to train for long periods of time too which left me all alone.

I can't lie that I felt some jealousy having not just Natasha and Bucky in the same room as each other but Steve too. And I can't lie that I felt some jealousy towards Pietro and Clint, the way they knew each other so well, I can't lie that I felt jealousy towards Bruce and Thor and the way could calm each other down so easily. I can't lie that I was jealous of how sentimental Stephen and Loki were, they get to experience sex for the first time together without it being a stupid one night stand. I can't lie that I was jealous of how talented Wanda was and how powerful she is physically and emotionally and how she can put so much trust in Natasha. I can't lie that I'm jealous of Tony's abilities and how he pulled a super soldier without laying his body down before him first. And I can't lie that I'm jealous of Nat and Steve and how much they know Bucky and manage to outshine me in every way and... and I'm not Bucky... I didn't get my best friend back.

- - - -

I hovered outside the door my hand positioned to knock but frozen in mid air. Sam's thoughts swam in my head, I could sense the stress and listened in feeling how bad he felt and feeling how useless he believed himself to be. I hated hearing him talk about himself like that, like he wasn't someone who made our lives so much better just by entering a room, like he wasn't just someone who gave you advice all the time that literally changed out lives for the better. Like he wasn't one of the most important things in each of our lives. I put my hand down running back down the steps and towards the gym.

"Hey W-" Natasha greeted me as I walked in.

"No time! Where's Bucky?"

"I'm here. What's wrong?"

"It's Sam-"

"What happened! Is he okay!"

"I just think you should go see him. He needs you... more than you know." I said and Bucky looked between Steve and Nat who both nodded. He ran off then probably to Sam and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"What's that about?" Steve asked confused.

"Sam's upset."

- - - -

I lay down by back facing the door, all the jealousy and sadness I felt swimming around my head.

"Sam?" My door opened, I recognized that voice anywhere. "Sam, Wanda told me you were upset."

"Go away." I mumbled turning around to face him. Bucky frowned.

"Sam what's wrong?"

"Nothing I'm fine." I said pushing past him and walking downstairs.

"Sam please don't shut me out." Bucky said following me down. "Just tell me what's wrong?"

"You wanna know what's wrong? Okay I'll tell you what's wrong. I'm jealous!" I blurted out, Bucky frowned again,

"Your jealous why?"

"I don't know you so well that I can literally read your mind? I can't calm you down when your angry? I can't start everything over, I can't not get drunk that night and not sleep with you! I can't actually start a relationship the right way and I can't have that first night together that everyone dreams about when they get into a relationship I just had to be a whore and spread my fucking legs didn't I?" I watched Bucky's face wash with guilt at my last words but I carried on,

"I'm not powerful, I get sad easily and I don't have some powers that don't obey the laws of physics what so ever! And I can't trust people easily because of how many times I've been hurt! I can't be so smart that I can build a suit of armor in the middle of a desert and I'm not good enough to be able to find a boyfriend without getting drunk and making a move on someone or laying down and letting them rape me!" Bucky gave me a look of horror this time.

"I can't ever be your first choice, someone always get's there before me whether it's Nat or Steve there is always some other person right there for you to choose first! And I can't get my best friend back! I don't get my boyfriend back because the universe wants to make me suffer. They took away the one person that made me comfortable again, the one person who taught me how to love, taught me how to be in a proper relationship and he's gone! You hear that he's gone!" I shouted.

"And now that your here... everything I felt for him is coming back." I said softly this time tears falling from my eyes.

"Sam..." I whipped around seeing everyone behind me, they clearly heard everything.

"We're not as perfect as you think we are." Wanda said softly.

"You don't think I know that?" I said frowning, "You don't think I don't know all the shit we've all been through? Well maybe there is things that I don't know but I do know there are a lot of qualities that you guys posses that I would kill for. So please if I'm just being selfish tell me! I might be having a mental breakdown over nothing, please Wanda tell me!" I said angrily.

"Sam we weren't trying to accuse you of anything-" Bruce tried but I cut him off.

"Just leave me alone." I sighed sliding down the wall behind me.

"Just please leave me alone." I sobbed pulling my knees into my chest.