Betrayed

On second thought... I may have been wrong

Dr. Helm sat close to me, his knee touching mine in a comforting way. He took my hand between his and looked at me with an expression of sympathy.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news," he began. My heart leapt into my throat and I could hear it beating in my ears. "Unfortunately the mass we removed last January was in fact cancerous. You have what is called a differentiated thyroid cancer of the papillary carcinoma variety. The good news is that the tumor was completely encapsulated, which means it most likely didn't spread. But because we took half of the thyroid out, we need to make sure we didn't disturb another encapsulation and increase the risk of the cancer spreading. It's unlikely, but I'd rather be safe than sorry, right?" He gave me a small smile as I nodded, unable to say anything. "Honestly, if you were to choose cancer this is the one you would want to choose. The five year survival rate is excellent and most people only need minimal treatment, like surgery. Some patients require an iodine radiation treatment afterwards, but the endocrinologist will deal with that later on. Now, I'm afraid we do have to go remove the other half of the thyroid and this means you will need to be on thyroid hormone replacement therapy for the rest of your life. The surgery will be the exact same procedure as last time. I will be booking you urgently, so please don't make any plans for the next week or so." His hand was gently rubbing mine while he spoke and I found the gesture rather calming. "Do you have any questions for me, Miss Saunders?" I shook my head. "I know it's a lot to process at this time, but we want to make sure this is done right away so you don't fall through the cracks. I will get you to sign the consent form while you're here and revise your pre op questionnaire, so that will all be complete before the surgery ok?"

"Ok, thanks doctor Helm" Why was I thanking him? He just gave me the most devastating news and I reacted as if he was offering me a gift. Honestly I was stunned. I looked over my preop form, made sure everything checked out and signed the consent form his assistant had handed me. I left the office and called my mom.

"So, it's cancerous after all" I announced to my mom.

"Oh, Harper... no!" she gasped and I could tell she was crying.

"It's okay, the doctor said it was a good kind of cancer to have, he is just going to do the same surgery as last time and that should pretty much be it" I told her quickly, and I realized I was trying to convince myself as much as my mom.

"Oh, well that's good then. You're not going to lose your hair?"

"It's not likely, he didn't say I would need chemo or anything, can you tell Lane for me?"

"Of course I will. You call me if you need anything okay?" I could hear the concern in her voice but I knew what I had told her had helped soothe some of her worries. I tentatively dialed Gabriel's number but it went straight to voicemail as it had the last three days.

I walked 10 kilometers home. I dropped my coat and purse in the entrance and curled up on my bed trying to sort the information I had just received. I wept. God I wept. I imagined all sorts of things were going to happen to me. I begged to a god I wasn't sure existed to spare my life. I was too young to die and I had too many unfulfilled promises to myself. Later on I toyed with the idea of death, surely it wouldn't be that bad. I cried so hard. There was cancer inside of me and it was as if I could feel it crawling under my skin like a cockroach. I scratched, tossed and turned and I finally slept.

I worked at Sally's the next day and tried to keep my mind busy. I worked through my breaks and when I finished my shift, exhausted and drained, I could hardly bring myself to care about my fate.

Two days after my appointment with Dr. Helm, the hospital called to book my surgery.

"Are you able to be at the hospital tomorrow at 11:15?" the receptionist asked.