T R A I T O R

Chapter 8

Realize how much I need you

This morning felt surreal, but as much as I wanted to be with Kiara I wasn't. 

To finally attempt or try to get rid of thoughts of her I decided to go for a run. I could simply place my AirPods in but I'd rather run away in piece, but this didn't help me at all.

When I first laid my eyes on you, no one has ever given me butterflies as you did. I remember the night I asked you out, it was 3/12/17 and you were there for me every step of the way leading into my career. From that moment and onwards I constantly thought to myself, what would I do without you? But I fought those thoughts and I made sure that I would do absolutely everything I possibly could to keep you in my life. But when you took my hand and told me "I will do anything and give up anything to be with you" What you said that night moved me.

You know I was so terrified to ask you out because what if you never wanted our friendship to change and that you only viewed me as a friend but, Kiara was the only person I have and ever will love. But I lost you because I was never there to try to calm you down whenever you had horrible panic attacks while I was gone, I struggled because I didn't know how to love you or anyone, I thought our relationship was going perfect until I got the seat with Mclaren.

I felt so good, telling you absolutely everything that was going on whenever I was battling with my demons, but I never reached out to you when you were struggling yourself. However, Kiara, you were strong and you managed to find yourself out of dark situations but now, I have realized how much you needed me. 

But leaving you was the worst bit, although Kiara knew that I would give up my career for her, leaving her was a horrible feeling it was torture. I never wanted to look deep into her eyes, so I could finally realize the pain she was enduring, or not listening carefully to the broken words that were coming out of her mouth. Now leaving you to sob in bed while I was heading to the airport trying to fight back the tears. I was so caught up in my own world that whenever I asked, whether you were doing okay and when you answered with "I'm alright" I really thought you meant that.

Whenever your lips crashed onto mine, the sensation was blissful, and feeling your body against me whenever you were aching to feel me at the end of long hours from sim work, training or whatever filled me up with pure joy.

God, I keep losing track of myself nowadays, my head is spinning and I am getting forgetful for instance I left my drink bottle at home, and now I have just realized that I am at the park that Kiara and I would usually spend our early mornings. But I am trying to shut myself out from everyone and everything here so I don't end up socializing with anyone and hopefully, no one would recognize me. 

I want to hide from the crowd