T R A I T O R

Chapter 13

 I hate that I want you

From all this I can rebuild myself into a better person and I know exactly what to say to her, I have subconsciously rehearsed this over and over again to the point where I say it out loud to myself before I go to bed. 

Kiara; I love you and I always have, I know that we had our ups and downs but there is nobody else in this world that I can replace you with, nobody else would ever make me feel the way I feel towards you. I'm sorry that I didn't know how to be a great boyfriend and I wish I knew how to make things right, God I really fucking do. It kills me to not be near you nowadays, not having you by my side when were asleep, feeling your warm touch and your arms wrapping around my body when I come home from a long weekend. I know I did you wrong and I made your life somewhat difficult but I never meant to hurt you, and I am truly sorry that I did, I was blind, so fucking blinded by love. 

You know if I could go back time and change all the bad times a little bit better I really would but I can't, however, I can make it up for you if you give me another chance. I won't leave home without you next to me for when I have another race, I want everything the way it used to be in the good old days, before my fame when you would rush up to me and give me the sweetest hug and cheer me on like nobody else was there as I crossed the line for finishing with the fastest lap back when I still did karting. Everything was perfect in my eyes and I know you would do absolutely everything to go back to those nights at the tracks as I would.

I thought you were happy all along, you acted like everything was okay and nothing was going on but I was wrong. I should have told you that I loved you more often, I always thought about you while I was on the other side of the continent, the thought of wrapping myself around you made me feel sick mentally and physically because not knowing what you were up to had me feeling uneasy, I would often imagine you having panic attacks and the thought of that made me tear up and the urge to throw up. I just didn't know how to properly love someone. I wanted to care for you so much because you barely had anyone besides me, I thought we were planned out and there was absolutely nothing that could tear us apart but I was so, so narrow-minded. 

As I was lying in the bed of the hotel room I started to feel cold and empty because I miss her so very much. Kiara, I miss that I can't come home to you and hug you, kiss you, cuddle up to you, or make sweet, sweet love to you. You meant so much to me I don't think you understood, so I never took advantage of you or took you for granted because I know how life treated you sometimes. I thought we would be together forever, *I could feel the tears forming in my eyes and as they gradually started to roll off my skin, I thought;

I love you, so very much and this is why I need you, these words I will not be able to express any further.