T R A I T O R

Chapter 10

I hate that I love you

I'm at Monza preparing myself for these next few days ahead, playing catch with a small rubber ball and listening to rap to hype me up, I just wasn't feeling it. Usually, on days like this, I would be on a call with Kiara and she would usually be telling me sweet nothings that were always on the back of my head as I raced, it was only a practice today, qualifying tomorrow, and a sprint race (hopefully I can get some extra points for the team) overall, there wasn't too much to worry about, besides the obvious...

Each limb on my body is craving her touch, my head keeps telling myself over and over again that I should have stayed back and listened to Kiara while holding her close to my chest, gently whipping those tears away from her cheeks, letting her tell me everything that was on her mind and whispering to her that, I would never leave you as I have before. I will never leave you alone on days when you need me the most like days like this because I love you. Why did I allow her to let me walk off like this? I could of and definitely should have told her that this isn't the right direction our relationship should be going.

I remember my mother always told me to go stick with the things that meant the most to me and every day, since the moment I left Kiara which was approximately three weeks ago? and no contact in two weeks? Well, the only thing that is on my mind is her, and I need to stick with her. Each day, every morning when I woke up she was on my mind, she was also on my mind every second, every minute, and every hour. This ache in my chest won't go away and this horrible stabbing sensation won't leave even without one day thinking about Kiara, it hurts and I am breaking. 

As David Croft was interviewing me, put it this way keeping a fake face on is quite a challenge. Acting like there is absolutely nothing in my life that is constantly worrying me is difficult but I think I am starting to get the hang of it. Then a statement he made really caught my attention when he told me that I looked quite chill, well let me tell you something, I'm not but I can't act like this to the media otherwise I'll end up making formula one looking like the world's most shittiest sport and job. So all I told him was "Always" smiled then walked off.

Currently, I am waiting in my car in the pits my mindset isn't helping but simply I just need to shut out every single thought that comes across my mind and shut them out the best I can to focus on the team and myself as they need me to do my best, and push as hard as I possibly can.