T R A I T O R

Chapter 12

I hate you, I love you

It's race day. 

As I pulled on my race suit, placed the earphones in my ears, securing my balaclava over my face before placing the helmet over my head. I climbed into the car and used this opportunity to focus and meditate, but I couldn't. Usually on days like this Kiara would be here and would tell me "good luck, please focus, and I love you" But like this whole time I was struggling to get into the zone and relax. I was starting P3 on the grid, I have to say. I am proud of myself but this race is for her. I was dreading today, everything about the race but I am here now and there is no going back. All I can do at the moment is wait for the formation lap to start.

Deep down I knew that Kiara was watching the races back at home, to the times I told her to not watch the races because it made her feel uneasy and scared, she never listened to me, or she would simply lie but I found out straight away since she was using my account to watch the races. I should have booked all the flights for her and forced her to come with me to every race but even if I did she wouldn't have come, she was too afraid if she had to quit her shitty job. Like I have said before, sometimes she found it too difficult to get out of bed and go to work because of how horrible her job was. However, if she came with me to the race weekends, she would have been less anxious and way happier, to be by my side. Put it this way I just miss her but I know I wasn't going to get my own way today. 

I regret everything.

I bit my bottom lip harshly with my teeth waiting for the lights to go out. My hands shaking on the wheel as I ignited the engine, its light's out, and away we go! I pushed my foot downwards onto the accelerator from the main straight then to take the first turn. I was trying my hardest to keep the others behind me and was making sure not to get my emotions out of me as today isn't about me and right now just isn't the time, I can not let Kiara disrupt me now. I have to drive, I am racing for the people I love and especially for my team.  I want her to watch this race so I can show her and make her realize that this drive was all for her. 

I ended up finishing second.

After the race, the media was chasing after me, telling me the same statements, pointing out my mistakes, then making me explain them I mean I get it's my job and I am obviously grateful to finish on the frontline with my other teammate but seriously I do not need any of this media shit at the moment. I just want to call Kiara and tell her that she motivated me throughout this. I was desperate to go home and tell her exactly what it felt like to be separated from her during these times, to suggest that maybe we could try again. This break between Kiara and I has taught me that I can't live in my own world and act selfishly or put myself out on first all the time. I need her, back.